College, Teens, Disobedience- ZenTalk #32.5

By Todd Adams on

0:00 Needing advice on how to address the issue of our 18 yo not having a job. He took community college classes this spring after pursuing that by his own choice (yay!). But we stipulated he needed a part-time job. That would have been the deal if he went to a 4-year college as well. He would need money if his car required repairs.
His response is that he doesn’t need a job since he’s not spending money. He’d saved up from previous jobs, so he’s tapping that and using a tiny allowance.
My husband struggles with trying to control him and sometimes pesters him about the job. My son said he applied to places and hasn’t heard. Not sure he did. I try to bring it up in a positive way once a week.
I’ve asked my husband to focus on their relationship, since that’s more likely to lead to good things. They’ve had a rocky time the past few years. And his attempts to control or take privileges away in the past had bad results. He sees our son as a slacker and wants him to step up. I see him as our immature first born. My husband gets my viewpoint, but struggles to embrace it.
Any thoughts or advice?
Cathy

14:48 Calling on healthy parents of teens! Help! We discovered our 16 yr old has been vaping. This is the second discovery and replacement of the first device that we confiscated months ago. Lots of lying and hiding going on as one might imagine.
Identifying 2 sep issues here- 1 addiction behavior and addressing that. 2- identifying distrustful and connection exiting behavior.
I want to be able to address the dishonesty and assess an appropriate consequence… or do I? I want to remain a trusted resource and remain always approachable. If assigning consequences is supposed to be a deterrent, what I’ve done so far isn’t working. Can I really assign a consequence that is effective given that he is 16 years old?
He shared that he didn’t want to share his behavior because he enjoys smoking and thinks he is addicted- feels shame about this and also doesn’t want to have to stop. He knew if we found out we would make him stop.
Super stuck! Any experience with something similar? Ideas?

Emotional Intelligence, Death, Disobedience, Self-Harm, ZenTalk #32

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps

4:06 In dealing with all of this stress, making all of these decisions, I have not been able to manage my feelings in front of my daughter as well as I’d like. I don’t yell. But my patience has been short and I have been so tired and unable to be the mom I wish I could be. How do I explain my uncle’s death or even just my sadness to my daughter without adding on a layer of fear that one of her parents may die someday? I don’t need the added stress of destabilizing her.   We aren’t religious at all and I haven’t been able to take enough moments to seek the help I need for myself. I finally have a long overdue appointment with my therapist on Monday, but I know that will not “cure me.”

14:00 Is it OKto admit that I’m not sure about how to be a good parent & to say it’s really hard?  Sometimes it feels like I’m giving up my ‘power’  eg my daughter tells me I’m not a boss of anyone.  Where is the balance how do you know when you have weaken yourself too much?

21:38  My oldest daughter is 7 any time any thoughts pop in to her head she refers as “her brain” she has been saying things like “mom I don’t want to do this but my brain is keep telling me to do it.  Stop brain.  I hate my brain.  I just want to kill my brain,  I wish I was never been born.   I just want to hit my head on ground so my brain can stop talking.”   Seems like it’s getting worse.   She is very highly sensitive child to begin with. I just don’t know how to respond or handle the situations.  I just feel awful every day when she talks like that I just don’t know where to start to help her out. Please help Thank you

34:35 Extended family member is in crisis.  Team member wants to help, but the family member isn’t willing to help him/herself.  How do I set up healthy boundaries? 

47:19 15 year old son suffered heartbreak from a girlfriend.  Mom doesn’t quite know how to help. 

Toddlers, Disobedience, Siblings, ZenTalk #31

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps

2:40 Fostering gratitude in young children. How to navigate “present disappointment” on birthdays and holidays. Today’s my son’s 6th birthday and he’s already disappointed he can’t open all his gifts first thing before school…

6:39 Ways to support & encourage father/daughter bonding.
12:48 What if you have a daughter who is shut down and doesn’t share anything?

19:33 9 year old daughter who won’t pick up her backpack and responds mean.

 25:22 9 & 10 year old neice who struggle with fairness.  One always think the other is getting more.

29:30 Thoughts/advice on helping a toddler adjust to having a new sibling. I’m due in about four weeks, and I think my 3.5-year-old may have a hard time with not being the only one getting mom and dad’s (and the grandparents’) attention.

37:45 My daughter (14) asked me why when someone has been victimized and they do the correct thing (in this case telling her principal what 3 boys have been saying and doing to her) the students in her school then jump on the victim with word and posts, not the people who were acting inappropriately! It happens over and over again in her school, her friends school on TV etc.. how do we teach them to keep doing what is right even though it causes more pain??

46:42 We have 4 children (7 – 2) who love to be home. We love to be home too! With summer coming we are feeling the pressure to put them in activities – so many people say you have to expose them to new things, be sure they are learning during the long break, etc. We have offered them camps but no one wants do anything outside the home. I hear dr shefali in my head saying wait until they know what they want to do so they are choosing their interests rather than it being parent driven. This really makes sense to us. That said we wanted your opinions and insights from others on how they have handled this.

Resources

Adjusting to a summer schedule ZPR Podcast #75

Dealing with the Summertime Blues ZPR Podcast #128

Don’t over schedule your summer ZPR Podcast #71

Changing the game in youth sports: John O’Sullivan at TEDxBend

Julie Lythcott-Haims “How to Raise an Adult”

Emotional Labor, Husband- 5050

By Todd Adams on

0:00 Overview of 50/50 day and emotional labor

19:10 Jennifer’s question regarding how to communicating with a shut-down husband

29:42 Millie has parenting rules that husband hasn’t yet bought into

35:02 Jennifer asks Millie a question

Toddlers, Friendships, Grief ZenTalk #30

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps

0:00 3-1/2 year old son got a haircut and mom is struggling that he is getting older

8:00 9 year old son who is sensitive and cries when another boy is deliberately teasing and hurting his feelings.  Mom struggles in supporting him.  Redefining masculinity.

23:28 14 year old daughter’s disposition is melancholy and sad.  Mom wants to know how best to navigate this. 

38:35 Team Zen Update – Free Zen Talk bringing awareness of 50/50 day & triads

41:09- Minimizing/compressing lectures- How do we more deeply connect with our children

50:16 Journaling book recommendation for daughter who is struggling with the “sads”

51:38 What to do when it’s our kids are the ones being mean

55:35 Miscellaneous banter

Resources

Teen Girl Coach

Start Where You Are: A Journal for Self-Exploration

Teenagers, Anxiety ZenTalk #29

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps:
1:30 Overview of “The Work”

4:16 Kim does “The Work” regarding judgments about mother not seeing her

29:42 Question about Connecting With daughter even when we disagree with her viewpoint

39:00 Mom and son experiencing disconnection with teenage son.  How responsible should we be for their experience?

55:24 Mom who is dealing with an anxious daughter who is struggling with school and sexuality

1:05:10 Brene Brown Empathy vs sympathy video

Sleep, Screens, & Disobedience- ZenTalk #28

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps:
3:35 How to talk to a nephew has a false perception of who his dad is due to a divorce and only hearing one side of the story. 
13:57 Seeing the difference b/w head (thoughts) and wisdom (guts)

23:30 Audio clears up
28:10 Dealing with cabin fever due to snow days and you’re pulling your hair out
39:26 The shame spiral when you have a bad morning with your kids and daily practices of mindfulness
44:06 Sensitive son got cut from a travel hockey team and now is sad and might want to quit the house team
54:43 How to deal with your kids when you feel that you have nothing left to give

Divorce, Sports, Self-compassion- ZenTalk #27

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps:
3:35 How to talk to a nephew has a false perception of who his dad is due to a divorce and only hearing one side of the story. 
13:57 Seeing the difference b/w head (thoughts) and wisdom (guts)

23:30 Audio clears up
28:10 Dealing with cabin fever due to snow days and you’re pulling your hair out
39:26 The shame spiral when you have a bad morning with your kids and daily practices of mindfulness
44:06 Sensitive son got cut from a travel hockey team and now is sad and might want to quit the house team
54:43 How to deal with your kids when you feel that you have nothing left to give

Friendships, School, Teenage, Disobedience – ZenTalk #26

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps:
1:28 What do you do when your 9 year old son starts acting differently and succumbs to peer pressure with his peers? 
8:50 What do you do when your 9 year old daughter who rarely gets in trouble at school gets falsely accused of inappropriate behavior?  And how do you support the pain she feels from it?
17:27 What do you do when you have a hard time connecting with your 6 year old daughter?
30:14 How do you respond when your son makes bad decisions?  How do you not fall into the shame trap?
39:57 17 year old daughter needs help @ 8:30 PM on mom’s birthday.  What do we do when we’re not emotionally available? 
44:01 What do we do when our 14 year old daughter rolls her eyes when mom uses phrases like “use the tools in your tool box” or “just breathe”?
50:13 Conference update

Money, Friendships, ZenTalk #24

By Todd Adams on

Discussion & Time Stamps
:30 Money challenges- Son buys a $200 shirt and runs up a $200 bill on iTunes w/o permission
12:12 Hard time with “time fear” and the idea that kids are growing up too fast
29:17 Hard time with “time fear and the idea that kids are growing up too slow
37:29 How to help our kids when being bullied by “mean girls” without getting lost in it

School, Sibling- ZenTalk #23

By Todd Adams on

Discussion Topics & Timestamps

0:00 Welcome and conversation
6:00 Why a 13-year-old party is an important “ritual” and how to do it
14:00 School refusal and dealing with a teacher who doesn’t understand
35:00 How to have a “ritual” party for a boy
41:00 How to manage sibling fighting, especially when it feels like it’s getting changing/ getting worse
Recommended Resources

Decrease Anxiety By Creating A Button Podcast #375-

Sibling, Sex, Friendships- ZenTalk #22

By Todd Adams on

What to do when our kids are fighting – 0:00
Staying connected to our kids regarding their sexuality/or other big life issues – 12:15
How a “release button” for a child can lead to bravery and autonomy (and a parenting “win” ) – 24:00
What to do when our child seems unmotivated/how to reflect on the decision to hold a child back or not hold a child back – 36:00
How to talk to our kids when they feel disrespected or not appreciated by their peers/how to talk to the teacher about our child’s experience/why bullying and unkindness are different things – 58:00

Sibling, Screen, Self-Compassion, Sex- ZenTalk #21

By Todd Adams on

What to do when both of your children want attention at the same time – 0.0
My child might get a computer for Christmas – are there any pre-written guidelines? – 10.00
Monitoring screen time is an issue – are there easy ways to monitor or how to discuss overuse of tech? – 15:00
How do we balance aging parents, young children, staying connected to our spouse without losing ourselves? – 25.00
Issues regarding 12-year-old daughter: – 33.00
How and when to approach or begin difficult topics or ask questions about her life or just to talk with her, check in
Tone of voice – when to let it go, how to respond back, what to say when their tone towards you in public is disrespectful
On watching younger siblings- should they be paid?
My daughter told me she is bisexual – how do I support her? – 44.00
My older son isn’t always patient with his brothers – how do I help him/his brothers, and how do I deal with missing the old times when they all got along? – 54.00

Husband, Relationship, School – ZenTalk #20

By Todd Adams on

Why we put up a memory tree for the holidays
What to do when one parent is the “fun” parent – 9:00
Why it’s valuable to have one-on-one time with each child – 26:00
How to connect with a child who often detaches or isolates – 30:00
What to do if your child might benefit from school services but doesn’t feel comfortable being pulled out – 50:00
How to support/love a child who can sometimes be a downer – 57:00

Divorce, Anxiety, Emotional Intelligence- ZenTalk #19

By Todd Adams on

How adult children can manage parental divorce
How to manage holiday stress
How to set a different intention for the holiday and follow through
How to support a child who is afraid of being in a new house
How to support a child who feels anticipatory anxiety around pain
How to support a child who has difficulty calming down when hurt

Emotional Intelligence, Self-Compassion, Disobedience- Sex- ZenTalk #18

By Todd Adams on

Why Halloween is fun
How to share our feelings when people/family/friends disappoint us (why candor is important for healthy relationships)
How to not self-betray
When is it OK to NOT share our feelings with people/family/friends
What to do when our kids don’t follow through
My daughter told me she is bisexual – how do I support her? – 44.00
What to do when we feel like our “conscious parenting” isn’t working (do we use different consequences?)

Metoo, Relationship, Screen, Self-Compassion- ZenTalk #17

By Todd Adams on

Why the #metoo hashtag is making a difference
How to handle/respond to feedback from our partner (about being too sensitive or otherwise) – 8 minutes
How to handle/talk to our kids about inappropriate song lyrics – 23 minutes
Understanding violent video content and why we need to talk to our kids about it – 39 minutes
Asking our kids what they mean when they say someone is their girlfriend/boyfriend, and how to impart healthy-relationship wisdom – 44 minutes
How to be more real, honest, and forgiving around our children and why this teaches self-compassion and compassion overall – 49 minutes

Friendships, School, ZenTalk #16

By Todd Adams on

Las Vegas – how to keep going when the news is so scary
How to deal with the “witching hour” of parenting (usually between 3:30-7:00pm)
What to do when one of your kids is hanging out with someone difficult – how to look at it differently, how to talk to your kid about it
How to ask different questions (rather than “how was your day”) when your kids come home from school
How to speak up and stay true without causing your kids to be embarrassed
How to speak up and stay true in the face of criticism and disappointment

In-Law, Self-Compassion- ZenTalk #15

By Todd Adams on

What is “splitting” and why nothing is all good or all bad – intro
How to find like-minded people, and how to facilitate a women’s circle/men’s group – 11:37
How to handle in-laws who think differently, why spouses need to have each other’s back,
and how to gently differentiate the present-day family from the biological family – 20:36
How to stay informed, but not get overwhelmed, by the news – 45:30