[00:00:00]
Todd: Here we go. My name’s Todd. Welcome back to another episode of Zen Parenting Radio. This is podcast number 796. Why listen to Zen Parenting Radio? Because you’ll feel outstanding. And always remember our motto, which is the best predictor of a child’s well being is a parent’s self understanding. On today’s show, uh, you wrote, Your Zen Parenting Substack Moment thing.
Todd: Yeah. Uh, and you gave a handful of different things that we can Ten different possible options to set yourself up to be less disappointed in 2025.
Cathy: Yeah, well, there, it’s really because every year I try and write something about not making resolutions because [00:01:00] I think the word, even if it’s supposed to be positive, has taken on this, like, should and overwhelm, like we’re not doing enough and that we have to like really go at it.
Cathy: And if we, you know, some people may really enjoy their resolutions and follow through, but statistically speaking, when you look at the, you know, the data, people don’t follow through because it’s a should and a have to. And so these 10 things that I share in the sub stack and that we’re going to talk about among other things are practices that could actually be enjoyable.
Cathy: and fun, and still not only make your life better, but um, you know, possibly make the lives of the people around you better.
Todd: That sounds like a good plan. I
Cathy: know, I like that.
Todd: Um, but first we’ve been singing songs together today. We have. And we’re going to honor somebody who just passed away.
Yeah. Out[00:02:00]
Todd: of my head. Sweet Alice.
Going through life with blinders on, it’s tough to
Todd: see. Not a lot of, uh, television production. I’m looking at the opening. It’s
just the car. Look for me in the dark. I
Todd: feel like a station wagon. Um, why are we, so, we lost her.
Cathy: We, actually in the last 48 hours we lost Linda Lavin, and we lost Jimmy Carter.
Cathy: I know, it’s very sad. So it’s been, um, You know, a rough 48 hours, but yeah, the, the Jimmy Carter one is, um, expected, you know, he’s been in hospice for a long time. He reached a hundred years old. He got to vote in this last election. He was able to, you know, do a lot of things. Um, so I guess it wasn’t too shocking, but still very sad because he was a wonderful man.
Cathy: Um, and then the, this morning we woke up to hear that Linda Lavin died and Todd and I loved Alice. And
Todd: what do you think the age cutoff is for people to know what we’re talking about when we’re talking about Alice?
Cathy: It’s Gen X. Like
Todd: it’s from our childhood. So [00:03:00] Millennials don’t really know about it.
Cathy: I mean they might but I don’t know how like I don’t see it.
Cathy: So this
Todd: is reserved for Gen X pretty much and I guess boomers because boomers were adults when this show was on so they remember it. Definitely,
Cathy: and they probably loved it because we were kids so the people in Alice were the age of our parents.
Todd: Yes.
Cathy: Sorry, my voice doesn’t sound good. I have to like You’re still getting better, sweetie.
Cathy: I know, it’s like when I start to talk a lot, it’s still like, gets all crazy. But anyway, um, Yeah, we, there’s a few things about Alice that were important. Number one, there weren’t a lot of things on, so we just watched it because it was on. Number two, it was, there was this period of time where shows started to reflect real life.
Cathy: Like, for example, One Day at a Time, you know, the mom was a single mom raising two teenage daughters, right? Alice, The reason that Alice had to get out of town and find a new place was because she got a divorce. [00:04:00] I’m pretty sure that she
Todd: wasn’t widowed. It was a divorce, right? I do not remember. I don’t, I figure they bring him back and I don’t remember ever seeing a husband, which makes me think maybe he passed away.
Todd: I don’t know. I can’t remember, but
Cathy: I’m pretty sure it was divorce. So she and her son had to go somewhere where she could find a job and start a new life. So, you know, these shows started to, you know, uh, different strokes. Two children who, uh, Mr. Drummond’s housekeeper passed away and he took in her kids.
Cathy: Um, you know, it just started to kind of reflect more. You know, I don’t know if that, these things, exactly happened to people, but it was more realistic than Leave it to Beaver.
Todd: And I, I, we started talking a little bit about, um. Catchphrases. Catchphrases from the 70s and 80s, and I don’t know when it shows up.
What’s with the bird brain? Oh, I also want to tell you, I’m thinking about watering down a chicken soup. [00:05:00] You already use chicken like a teabag now. Look, I’m doing it for you. Mayo, would you like to do something for me? Yeah, what? Kiss my grits!
Todd: That was good old flow. And we, we love that. And we, our, our entertainment demand was not very high. Let’s just say
Cathy: that. We would watch a show and wait for a catchphrase, maybe unknowingly subconsciously wait for it, but the whole studio audience would like flip out because everyone’s waiting for flow to say kiss my grits on, um, different strokes.
Cathy: Everyone’s waiting for Arnold to say, what you talking about Willis? Um, What are some other ones that we had? Uh, in Kojak, we waited for him to say What did he say? Loves you, baby. Loves you, baby. Um, you know, there was all these
Todd: I just brought it up.
Cathy: Oh, let’s hear it.
Todd: So, I’m gonna say the show.
Cathy: Okay.
Todd: You tell me if you know the catchphrase.
Todd: Oh, good. And then maybe I’ll go back and forth. Okay, good. Um, [00:06:00] sit on it. Well, sit on a
Cathy: potsy.
Todd: Yeah, sit on it.
Cathy: That’s Happy Days. Dino mite. That’s, uh, Good Times.
Todd: Up your nose with a rubber hose.
Cathy: Uh, that is good. Welcome back, Cotter, I
Todd: think.
Cathy: Ayy. Ayy.
That’s also happy days.
Todd: What you talking about, Willis? That’s different strokes.
Todd: Nanu Nanu. That’s Mork and Mindy. Kiss my grips. That’s Alice. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Brady Bunch, of course. Come and knock on our door.
Cathy: That’s Three’s Company, but they never said that. That was the opening theme. Book him, Dan O. That, Hill Street Blues? No. It was Hill Street Blues?
Todd: Hawaii Five O. Oh, I don’t know that one.
Todd: God’ll get you for that. I don’t know that one. It’s from Maud.
Cathy: Oh, yeah.
Todd: Maud was
Cathy: a good show. Hey,
Todd: hey, hey. Bad Albert. I pity the fool.
Cathy: Well, that was Mr. T. Did he say it in the A Team?
Todd: Yes, he did.
Cathy: Oh, he stole that from Rocky.
Todd: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Now we’re on to commercials.
Cathy: Yeah, these are commercials.
Cathy: This [00:07:00] is, uh, the, uh, the, not the clapper. I’ve
Todd: fallen. This is a life call commercial.
Cathy: Yeah, I think they, it was the thing that they pushed around their neck. I love it when a plane comes together. A plane or a plan? Plan.
Todd: I
Cathy: don’t
Todd: know. Um, the A Team. Okay. I didn’t watch the A Team, did you? Yeah, a little bit. It wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.
Todd: Yeah. Um, don’t have a cow, man. Uh, that’s the Simpsons. Yada, yada, yada.
Cathy: Seinfeld. Norm. Cheers.
Todd: Ooh, make it so.
Cathy: Jim Voss.
Todd: Star Trek. The next generation. Can you explain that? Cause people listening. My wonderful boss sends us stone crabs every year over Christmas and we kind
Cathy: of,
Todd: we build a meal around it. And, uh, he shot me a text because the place that he buys them from, Billy’s called Billy’s Stone Crab and somewhere in Florida, Miami something.
Todd: I don’t know and he’s like, sorry, mr. [00:08:00] Voss We’re not gonna be able to get it to your whoever you want to send these to because You know, it’s too late in the day or something like that. And I don’t remember exactly what the text
Cathy: He said he said that’s not gonna work. You will we need to get stone crabs to this family They expect them every year make it so make
Todd: it so that was kind of that was kind of our catchphrase for the The
rest of the week we were like, make it so, because by the way, they did show up.
Todd: They did. And they were delicious. Jim. Thank you, Jim Boss. All right, enough catchphrases. Um, one other thing I do want to do before this podcast is up is I have your book here in front of me. It’s called Restoring Our Girls. Oh no, there’s like old gum on the cover. That’s no good.
Cathy: That means it’s been
Todd: like read and sat down in many places.
Todd: Right. Uh, and I just want to thumb through this thing and I have underlines and stars. Underlines mean this is highlighted, but star means this is. Extra special. Ooh, I want to know a few stars. Um, but we’re going to do that after our, our main piece of the show. Um, real [00:09:00] quick, uh, Zen Parenting Conference, January 24th, 25th.
Cathy: Yeah. So you guys, we are coming into the new year. If you’re listening to this on the day it comes out, it is New Year’s Eve. Um, And we have in the next, when is it, three and a half weeks, our biggest event of the year. And we, this is it. This is our last one. So come, make sure you come. Please. Um, this I think will be a really good way to invest in yourself and your family.
Cathy: And if you are trying to figure out what can I do that’s different? How can I be more open minded to new ideas? Where can I go somewhere where I can ask some questions and listen and learn and even meet some new people? This is it. So if you’re kind of trying to figure out what, how to invest in yourself this year, this is a great way to kick it off.
Cathy: Um, if, uh, and we’ve got great discounts, like, you know, if you can only
Todd: show up for one
Cathy: day, one day, uh, you can get two tickets for cheap. Um, you [00:10:00] know, all these different ways to make sure you get there. And plus Friday night is a concert. It’s, um, Glenn Phillips from Toad the Wets Bracket is going to be singing and we have a bar and, lots of space.
Cathy: It’s so fun. It’s a party. I just think
Todd: you should come.
Cathy: Yeah, come listen to Glenn.
Todd: This is the only song I ever play promoting this, uh, conference. What would another song that you would play that I should
Cathy: play? You could play Good Intentions.
Todd: Okay, I don’t even know.
Cathy: Um, you could play, what’s another one of my favorite Toad songs?
Cathy: You could play Fall Down.
It’s full of things that I can’t
Cathy: mention.
Todd: Maybe we’ll play a little more between now and January 25th.
Cathy: We should because they have a, like, you know, so many albums and so many songs that were on, you know, top ten or whatever. It’s just you’ve forgotten that Toad sang them.
Todd: It’s gonna be awesome.
Todd: Um, okay. So let’s get back to business. Let’s get back to business. What’s that from? It’s
Cathy: [00:11:00] Mulan.
Todd: Oh.
Cathy: It’s
Todd: when he’s Which is different than Moulin Rouge.
Cathy: Very, yes. Yeah.
Todd: Yes. Because Moulin Rouge I didn’t like.
Cathy: Oh, that’s your
Todd: problem. Todd did
Cathy: not, Todd’s not a Baz Luhrmann kind of person.
Todd: She’s Especially because I don’t even know what you just said.
Todd: And I’m guessing most people don’t know what you just said.
Cathy: So Buzz Lerman, uh, is a director and he’s very eccentric and things are a little over the top and it’s very like, colorful and like he did The Great Gatsby and he did Romeo and Juliet and he did Moulin Rouge and there’s like a, a weird, uh, I think, I just want to say eccentric, like it’s just bigger, like, you know, lots of closeups and pullbacks and it kind of keeps you, you know, guessing of what’s going to come next.
Cathy: And, and it’s, to me, it is strange, but I kind of like it. And you, and you just are like, well, this is weird.
Todd: No, it’s too weird for me. What
Cathy: about the songs though? They’re so good.
Todd: Yeah. I don’t really like [00:12:00] the songs in musicals. True. You don’t like musicals. I like when they talk. Except for Wicked and Blues Brothers.
Todd: And, uh, that’s about it. Are
Cathy: we calling Blues Brothers a musical?
Todd: Yes,
Cathy: it is. It is? Yeah. But is that really, you’re going to put that up there with all the other musicals? Yeah,
Todd: Blues Brothers. I need you, you, you. Speaking of over the top, I know I keep saying let’s get down to business, but I was on a plane yesterday and I didn’t feel like thinking at all.
Todd: So, I was just, I haven’t been thinking in about 10 days because I’ve been on vacation. Which is so good for your brain. I’m in vacation mode. And I wanted to continue that trend. And on Netflix, there’s some stupid movie called Bad Christmas, Mom’s Christmas. Bad Mom’s Christmas. Yeah, that’s over the top.
Todd: Did you watch it? I watched like 15 minutes of it. Like
Cathy: Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Katherine Hahn?
Todd: And there’s a scene where Kristen Bell is making a move on her husband in their bedroom, which is what husbands and wives sometimes do. And they’re like starting to like [00:13:00] fool around. And lo and behold, they didn’t even know that her mom was in the corner of the bedroom.
Todd: And this is what she does all the time. She’s an overprotective mom. Okay. overly involved in her life. And this was yet another example, like who walks into a bedroom and doesn’t notice that their mom is in the corner on the chair. It’s so like there’s over the top and then there’s stupid over the top.
Cathy: Like it’s just comedy that doesn’t make sense.
Todd: But I have a feeling because there’s some things because moms tend to carry a lot of the emotional invisible labor.
Cathy: I
Todd: have a feeling there’d be parts of this movie that you’d be like, yes, yes, and yes.
Cathy: Well just the fact that so there was the original bad moms.
Cathy: And then they kept it going with Oh, is this like a sequel? Mm hmm. Oh, I didn’t know. So that in itself tells you they’re kind of mining for jokes because it’s hard to redo it. Would you
Todd: be okay if I just quickly went through all ten and then we’ll like zero in on them? Um Or would you rather go one at a time?
Todd: I
Cathy: know, you always like to do that. That’s the difference [00:14:00] between the way my brain
Todd: likes to work. I’m like, okay, let me know what I’m about to hear and then I can But
Cathy: The way I think about that is you’re going to give me 10 things and I’m like inundated with it. Let’s inundate people. That’s too much information.
Cathy: I’m not saying we have to spend a ton of time, but I would rather like, there’s 10. So let’s prep people by saying there’s 10. And by the way. This list is, is extensive, but not exhaustive. Like these are just things that I have done over the years or that, you know, people have talked to me about doing or things I’ve had my students do.
Cathy: They’re not like, Oh, you’ve got to choose from this. The goal was just to get your brain spinning and
Todd: get your wheels spinning and
Cathy: you can come up with your own. Um, so could we do it the other way? But we’ll just spend a short amount of time.
Todd: Anything you want to say before I jump in?
Cathy: Yeah. I mean, like I said, you know, every year I write something about resolutions because they annoy me and.
Cathy: Um, the truth is it’s the word that annoys me because it’s great to start a new year and have some sense of purpose and like some, maybe some things you want to do. Like who [00:15:00] just showed me Their list. Oh, it’s my sister. She has this awesome iPad that she can like write in it, you know, like JC has, you know that.
Cathy: And she just thinks of things and puts it on a list of things she wants to do in a year. And last year in 2024, she did all of them except like And I’m like, that’s kind of fun, but it’s not things like, I’m going to go to the gym every day. It was things like, I’m going to go to this show and I’m going to spend time with this person.
Cathy: It just gave her, it’s the thing she really wants to do and not the thing she thinks she has to or should do. And I think that’s the shift. Okay. So these are just things that, um, these are options. All
Todd: right. You ready? Number one. A gratitude list. Now, I feel like everybody knows this, because some of these are going to necessitate a little more explaining, but a gratitude list is, you know, I don’t think that people would ever be mad Cause they did this.
Cathy: No, it’s like, you know, I, I mentioned in the subset that I have my students [00:16:00] do this every semester, no matter what book I choose for the semester, they always have to do a gratitude list every day or at least five days out of the week. And I tell them, you know, this is whatever you put into it is what you get out of it because what the research has demonstrated, and I can say this personally, is that if you are making a point to make a gratitude list, 10 things, 5 things, 12 things, whatever, your brain will naturally start looking for more things to be grateful for.
Cathy: So the way that your brain is hardwired, it looks for things that could be a problem, it looks for threats, it looks for challenges. So we have to then practice Looking for things that are working, or else we will naturally autopilot go into not necessarily a negative cycle, but a more reactive cycle. So this is just a good shift.
Todd: Uh, number two, morning pages.
Cathy: So this comes from, um, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. And I know a lot of people out there who are listening have this book or have done this practice. And it’s one of those practices that I’ve gone back [00:17:00] and forth with, meaning like, you know, I did it 20 years ago or whenever and then did it again five years later.
Cathy: It’s been A go to thing for me when I start to feel really low about something. All you really do, the more, her, her intention is creativity, better writing, that kind of thing. But really all you do is wake up and before you get on your phone or, or start your day, you literally grab a notepad and you just start writing.
Cathy: Writing, you could write your dream, you could write like, I’m worried about this today, or what am I going to do, or I’m tired. So when you practice this,
Todd: it’s probably after you pee, you get out of bed, you go pee. True. Do you use it before or after meditation, if you are meditating at that moment? The whole
Cathy: goal is to use it before you do anything.
Todd: So it’s like P and then go right.
Cathy: Yeah, because it’s, it’s a dump. It’s a brain, not, not a dump. It’s a brain dump. So then you don’t get up with all those swirling thoughts. You put them somewhere. Now, the key to morning pages that is, that some people miss, it’s not a diary. This is not supposed to be like, Oh, I have to write things correctly.
Cathy: And I’m going [00:18:00] to go back and see what I said. But Her suggestion, or I can’t remember if it’s hers or if it’s what I started doing, but you burn it. Mm hmm. It’s like a brain dump of things you don’t need. Now of course if you come up with a good idea, you know, put that in your phone and remember it. It, you could do that, but really it’s It’s about clearing space.
Cathy: Exactly.
Todd: All right. Number three, letters from love. I’ve never heard of this one. I feel like I’ve heard of it, but I forgot what it was.
Cathy: Well, this um, is directly from Elizabeth Gilbert. This is her thing. Um, those of you who follow her or read her books know about this. I would say follow her substack because I love her substack and it’s really, her substack is called letters from love and her goal, the intention is to write yourself a letter.
Cathy: Love. Okay. So I’m saying that’s slower because
Todd: so is it the loving part of me or love? And I know I’m probably overthinking
Cathy: it. It’s all of the above, but it is not a brain exercise. This is not a brain exercise of how I write it. What is, and this is what [00:19:00] she does in her sub stack is she has invited a lot of friends.
Cathy: Famous people, thought leaders to do this and all of them are always terrified, you know what I mean? Like I was just listening to Jonathan Fields did a podcast with her and he was terrified to do it because he’s like what if Nothing comes up. Glennon was terrified. Abby was terrified. Amanda was terrified.
Cathy: You know, Martha Beck, like all these people have done this and they’re like, wow This is quite the experience because you sit down and you get nervous. You’re like, what if love doesn’t come through? But see that’s thinking. If you, to me, It’s very similar, this is just the way I look at it, is, uh, Neal Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God.
Cathy: Something, in his book, he, what he recommends that I still do is you write yourself a question and then you write the answer. Because there is something, it starts to get a little woo woo, but that you are connected to that already knows what you need to do and you can call it yourself, your own intuition, your internal.
Cathy: It could be universal. But it’s like this practice of don’t think, just say it, just write it. [00:20:00] So this, and like I said, it can be really daunting because people don’t want to start, right? But it is one of those things where Liz Gilbert has a whole history with, that she writes, she, when she was at her lowest, lowest, lowest, she got information from love, which was just, get up off the, get up off the floor, go get a drink of water, start again tomorrow.
Cathy: And she was like, that’s love, right? It’s not, I judge you, do more, you messed up, shame, love. If there’s anything in this letter that is like, you should have done better or you suck, that’s not love.
Todd: Yeah, this reminds me a little bit of, uh, Internal Family Systems parts work, and, um, I’ve heard many, many audio interviews where the founder, Dick Schwartz, is doing this with one of his clients, and what he says so often, you know, you’ll be talking to the part of yourself that is the loving part, okay?
Todd: And, um, He always [00:21:00] says, don’t think of the answer, let the answer come to you, let it show up. And whatever shows up is what’s supposed to show up. So in other words, it just takes the edge off of having to want to get it right.
Cathy: Well, you know, this would be fun for you. We should do this sometime. Like, There’s this whole thinking like, for example, sometimes when I’m doing this, because when I get really nervous or scared in meditation, I do, it’s not necessarily a letter from love, but it’s the Neal Donald Walsh version of, I write a question, like, how is this going to turn out?
Cathy: And the, the thing I write back to myself or that comes through is like, you don’t know, but you’re going to be okay. And guess what? Nobody ever knows. And it’s a, it’s a very. about it. That’s why I’ve enjoyed her sub stack is the universe or intuition or whatever word you want to use tends to have a similar sense of humor no matter who you are and and uses really loving language like depending on what words work for you.
Cathy: Like I’m a Her suggestion is when you first start writing, say things to yourself like honey or, or, [00:22:00] um, you know, love or sweetheart or something endearing where you go into that place of like what a parent would say if you, you know, for those who had a parent that was loving that like that, you know what I mean?
Cathy: I do. So anyway, it’s a, I see what I suggested is, I just wrote like two sentences on it. Go to Liz Gilbert’s Substack, like get a real good tutorial about it. And, um, I think it’s a great fun practice because you don’t just do it once. You can do it every day if you want.
Todd: Yeah. Number four, shoulders back.
Cathy: Yeah. So this is one of my favorites because I do this with the girls a lot and with myself. It’s a yogic adjustment. Um, and you always have to be careful because, um, Um, in yoga, saying shoulders back is really not correct because then you’re overextended. It’s really shoulders up and back. And then you take your, um, more, your solar plexus more in, it’s this whole alignment process, but then your chin back.
Cathy: And then all of a sudden, you’re just more straight up and down. You can gain like an inch from like shoulders up back. And I actually put a link to [00:23:00] more of a yogic adjustment in my sub stack, but I do with the girls all the time. Like I shift their arm, their shoulders up, take them back. I’m like taking your, you know, better word than solar plexus, taking your gut and then your chin back a little bit.
Cathy: And all of a sudden you can see like you’re, things are more clear. Um, we so often, are slunched over, you know, slumped over because we’re on our phones or kids are at desks or whatever, or young girls are often hiding their bodies because they’re going through puberty and we have to remind them to open up.
Cathy: It also allows your lungs to breathe better. I’ve been having to do it a ton because of having the flu three weeks ago. I, like my lungs are still, they get a little caught sometimes, you know,
Todd: I’m still healing. Can I pause really quick on your flu?
Cathy: Sure.
Todd: Sweetie was sick for a bit. She’s very open.
Cathy: Yes.
Cathy: Let’s
Todd: say. Yes. Vulnerable to feelings.
Cathy: Yes.
Todd: And, uh, we, uh, you watched some [00:24:00] movies. You’re okay if I make fun of you right now, right?
Cathy: Sure.
Todd: Um, two of the movies that she watched, um, she cried at.
Cathy: Uh huh.
Todd: And think about the tearjerkers, uh, Just think of the movies right now, if you’re listening, uh, when you think of crying at the end of movies.
Todd: I think Terms of Endearment, let’s say, or Titanic. The ones that Sweetie cried at, that I was only present for, maybe you cried at a lot more.
Cathy: I watched about Over a period of nine or ten days probably about nine movies.
Todd: Do you want to Say the movies that that I’m about to make fun of you for?
Cathy: Sure I cried at the end of The Fugitive which I don’t think is that crazy.
Cathy: I mean, yes I was very sick and I don’t normally cry at the end of The Fugitive, but it is a very moving scene Don’t you think? Uh, I’m more
Todd: I’m happy about the ending versus sad.
Cathy: I know, but you don’t normally see men [00:25:00] be so
Todd: Is this the part?
Oh, where is that thing? Is
Todd: this the part?
I continued crying during this part. He takes his handcuffs off. Says, I thought you didn’t care.
And then he gives him an ice pack!
Todd: Are you gonna cry now?
Yes!
I thought you didn’t care. I don’t. I don’t. Don’t tell anybody, okay?
Cathy: No. And then he hits the top of the car. Yeah. It’s the best ending scene I’ve, one of my favorites of all time, besides Shawshank and all those.
Todd: He’s taking care of him.
Cathy: That’s the thing. The scene I started, right? Because he’s chasing
Todd: him during the entire movie and then he takes care of him at the end.
Cathy: Well, and through the whole, he does tell him he doesn’t care right before, you know, Kimball jumps off the waterfall. But then, so this whole time, nobody is [00:26:00] believing him. I mean, the Chicago police, talk about like, I know this is fiction, but come on guys, like all you had was the, you know, the recording of his wife saying Richard, and they’re like, he must’ve done it, even though he didn’t need money.
Cathy: It was so dumb. And um, Then finally, when, at the very, very end, sorry if I’m ruining this, but it’s from the 90s, so you gotta go watch it. Um, they, he’s walking through and finally, and like, Richard’s still trying to kind of hide from him, you know, cause there’s so many things going on. And then, um, Tommy Lee Jones is like, um, I know about, You know, Sykes, I know about the one armed man.
Cathy: I know you didn’t do it. Like he’s yelling to him and then sweet. I love when Harrison Ford gets super vulnerable and he says he, you know, actually saves Tommy Lee Jones’s life. And then he says, they killed my wife. And Tommy Lee Jones says, I know it. Oh, I could cry now. I it’s not just cause I was sick.
Todd: [00:27:00] No,
Cathy: it’s because, wow, what a journey we just went through.
Todd: And I’m going to play the audio to the other movie.
Sorry, sorry.
The love song that’s what gets me the major league of love song.
Todd: Um once again, you know, I I guess I kind of get it because they play the music but from a content standpoint Jake He points. Jake Taylor.
Cathy: Jake Taylor points and he’s like, I’m gonna get him.
Todd: I got so many problems with that movie. I love, I love that movie and I have so many problems with it.
Todd: He bunts. He does, he does bunt. But
Cathy: anyway, it’s just I, that’s when I was really sick when I watched Major League. So I just was crying and everything. And you watched Valley Girl? And I cried at the end of Valley, or not the end.
Todd: Do you watch Trading Places?
Cathy: Yes, I did not cry during Trading Places. Do you watch Cocktail?
Cathy: I watch [00:28:00] Cocktail. Any others that you can? I watch When Harry Met Sally. I watched, uh, The Firm. I watched The Pelican Brief. Um I watched, uh, that, that, I mean, there were more. I watched some Christmas movies.
Todd: You were a busy little bee.
Cathy: Well, and most of them I’d put it on and fall asleep. It wasn’t like I was, you know, that well enough, but yeah, I cried a little bit.
Cathy: Hey, crying is what the flu is all about to me. It’s a lungs. It’s a release. Clearing out. I wrote about it two weeks ago. Like when your lungs need to release, and I’m not saying that’s why I got the flu. It’s just an after effect. I got a lot of grief, stored up, had a lot of things happen in the last couple of years.
Cathy: Um, and, uh,
Todd: it just needed to go. And I watched the Superman documentary yesterday on the airplane home from Florida, and, uh, speaking of grief in the lungs, uh, Dana Reeve, Christopher’s wife, passed away I think within a year after he died. Lung cancer. She never smoked a cigarette. Grief. Uh, there’s times when I’m like, oh, that Eastern medicine, uh, blah, blah, [00:29:00] blah, and then I hear a story like that, I’m like, oh, maybe there, maybe there’s something to it.
Cathy: Well, and it’s, it’s Chinese medicine, and really, what the They, they don’t believe in disease. They believe in that something is not in alignment. Something is out of whack. And, um, you know, I think they’d say that much differently, but it’s the, the understanding is that grief and sadness gets caught in the lungs because we haven’t worked it through.
Cathy: We haven’t breathed it through. Like it’s not as crazy as we make it out to be like, it really does make sense. And it, and I, I really want to be. It’s clear that it’s not always, it’s a piece of the puzzle. There’s many reasons we get sick. Like the flu, I picked up flu germs somewhere, right? And then there was also these other things because Todd and I were together every second, went on a date on Friday night and I got sick on Saturday.
Cathy: He didn’t get it. So even if he, the germs got past him, his body was not in a place
Todd: or your immune system was like, if I was exposed and we’re only [00:30:00] talking about the transfer of germs, right? Right. Right. Then I should have gotten it.
Cathy: Correct. That’s what I mean is, that’s why with our college kids, when they come home or even our high school kids, they get sick because their immune systems are so depleted.
Cathy: You know, they’ve worn themselves down all semester and then it’s so easy for them to catch anything. And we don’t blame ourselves though. It just depends on what’s going on. I mean, this is the holidays are a, Nutty time.
Todd: Are you ready for number five? I am. Let’s go. So I read it and then I thought of something different.
Todd: Okay. But I’m just going to read it first. Okay. Fly on the ground.
I love fly on the ground.
Todd: And it made me think of this other kind of catchphrase from I guess the 2000s. Uh huh. Um, and I’ll give you a hint that you probably won’t get.
Okay.
Todd: Does the name General Larry Platt mean anything to you? No. Uh uh.
Todd: All right. So I’m just going to play a clip. And I don’t even know if this is the right side.
Go with your mind. Hat, turn, sideways, pan, hit the ground. Call yourself a fool. Call yourself a fool. On the [00:31:00] ground. That
Todd: was American Idol, right? That was American Idol. Uh, Randy, it’s on the ground. Um, why do you lie on the ground as one of your things here?
Todd: Just
Cathy: because it’s one of those practices that’s so easy to like, you know, all you’d really do is just lie on the ground like a starfish, like put your arms, put your legs out. And the thing I’ve told the girls since they were little is it’s not only is it a way to stop and take a breath and like, you know, break up.
Cathy: The monotony of whatever you’re doing and zooming around, but you also release, you can release whatever you don’t need to the ground and you can pull positive energy from the ground. This is just more of a visualization and it’s just a way I think to remind ourselves we can stop and you don’t have to lie on, you can lie on the ground and take a nap.
Cathy: That would be great, but you can also just lie on the ground for a minute or two.
Todd: I took a nap, uh, at the end of yoga today. You did. And I went. Usually Shavasana is face up, dead man’s pose, right? Corpse pose. Yeah, where you’re just like laying on the ground with maybe I put the blocks under [00:32:00] my knees, but this morning I was so tired from eating and drinking over the last week I fell asleep Face first towards the ground and my shoulders hurt bad when I woke up.
Todd: Did
Cathy: you really fall asleep Todd? Yes. Oh boy. Good solid 10 or 12 minutes. During yoga Todd was doing a lot of whoo.
Todd: Yeah You I’m like, I don’t remember this being that difficult. He was
Cathy: making all those sounds. That’s how I know it’s not easy.
Todd: Number six, gratitude texts.
Cathy: So again, similar to gratitude journaling, but it’s different in that you are then sending a text to someone to say you’re grateful for them.
Cathy: And it doesn’t have to be formal. It’s just something like, I’m thinking of you today. Um, thank you for such a great vacation or Christmas or, um, holiday, or I just miss you. It’s just a way, again, this is research based, that not only are you sending goodness out in the world and thanking someone, but you feel good too, doing it.
Cathy: You know, it’s similar to, I wrote in my [00:33:00] book, uh, something that I actually got from Adam Grant about the concept of pebbling, which is what penguins do, um, when they’re trying to find a new partner or love somebody, they bring pebbles over and leave it at the penguin’s feet. That’s, they call it pebbling.
Cathy: Pebbling. And. And. And. Um, Adam Grant shared that on his page somewhere in the middle of, you know, last year. And so I put it in my book about that’s what we are doing with our kids and our partners when we’re sending them memes or texts or songs is we’re like pebbling, we’re offering them some love. Yeah.
Todd: Except pebbles.
Cathy: It’s a metaphor.
Todd: Yeah. Metaphor. Yeah. Because I don’t, I don’t need you to bring me any pebbles. I’m
Cathy: going to bring you a pebble.
Todd: Bring me a pebble. Uh, number seven. Weekly opt out. I
Cathy: love
Todd: this one. I know you do. So,
Cathy: weekly opt out is, is reminding yourself that every week if there’s something that you said you were gonna do that you really didn’t want to or there’s something that you’ve been saying to yourself, I have to do this, I have to do this and it’s really not that important like you, you know, maybe you’ve been like, I gotta clean out the closet, I have to, [00:34:00] I have to.
Cathy: You don’t have to. I mean, you will eventually but maybe that day isn’t the day. And every week you should maybe take something off your list or say, actually I can’t show up to that cause I really don’t want to. Um, because I think it gives us that feeling of we have more freedom and choice than we think.
Cathy: I think we feel really locked
Todd: in. When I’m in the matrix or whatever I want to call it, I think, well, there’s, I can’t miss any of this.
Cathy: And then
Todd: through a different lens, you know, if something happened where my dad got sick or you got sick or I got sick or my kids got sick, your priorities. Adjust immediately.
Todd: Correct. In that moment. Um. But from that vantage point of when I’m trying to get stuff done and be efficient and be as unparenting and men living and JVI leader, be like, Oh, all this is important. I can’t opt out of any of it.
Cathy: Well, and I think it’s a practice in, um, shaving off things you don’t really need to do, like, and, and giving yourself an out.
Cathy: Sometimes, you know, just, we’re [00:35:00] not, someone will say, let’s go to coffee less next Tuesday. And we’re like, yeah, let’s do that. We don’t really. Like that’s, and so all of a sudden you’re offering or giving away your precious time to an experience that you didn’t want. And, but then we feel obligated and then this becomes our pattern and our norm.
Cathy: Instead of, we start to like recognize every week, what am I feeling obligated to do? Because again, It could even it could be things around the house, but I actually enjoy putting things away around the house if I have the time. So it’s not about, we’re going to like ditch out on our jobs and our responsibilities.
Cathy: It’s that we’re going to give ourselves back a little time to, or it’s like I said, it’s a mentality of you can choose, you know, like, I, I, My children have to learn this on their own. I mean, I can lecture to them as much as I want, but you know, they get really caught up in, I have to do this, and oh my gosh, if I don’t do this, and this is going to happen, and I have to remind them, yes, this needs to get done, but you absolutely don’t [00:36:00] need to do it right now, and you don’t need to worry about it right now, and worrying about it and stressing is not helping, and I have to like help calm them down.
Cathy: They’ll figure it out eventually, like I, they’re not going to learn it through lecture.
Todd: There’s a management tool that I have used in the past that you probably would not want to touch because it’s a business tool. Have you ever heard of something called the Eisenhower Matrix? No. It probably was in the Covey book.
Todd: Okay. And it’s just, it’s four squares. In the upper left hand square, it’s, it’s in the category of urgent and important. That’s things that you have to do that day. It’s urgent and important. And then if you move over to the upper right. It’s important, but not urgent. With stuff like that, you schedule it.
Todd: Like, I know I need to do this. It’s not urgent.
Cathy: I need to make doctor’s appointments.
Todd: If you go to the lower left hand, it’s urgent, but it’s not important. Those are things that we should be delegating.
Oh, okay.
Todd: So get rid of it by delegating it to somebody if possible. And then the lower right hand corner is not urgent, not important.
Todd: And that’s that. Delete, you know, distractions and unnecessary tasks [00:37:00] that you want to get done. I feel like Gavi covered that in a, in his own little way, but anyways.
Cathy: Yeah. There’s lots of versions of that. I feel like there’s stuff about that in James Clear’s book too. Atomic Habits. I mean, maybe not the exact same thing, but that’s the thing is like for people who have a brain like Todd, um, who like to really like make lists and compartmentalize and be like this, that’s a really good version.
Cathy: I have more of a flowy, Well, we’re gonna, we’re
Todd: about to go to your next one, Mood Board or Vision Board, which is a nice transition. Um, but real quick, I just want to say something about this Eisenhower Matrix or just prioritization. And I’m, I’m not good at this, so let me just say, but will people be like, well, what about watching Netflix?
Todd: Like, where does that belong in the Eisenhower? If that is self care, if that is something that, that fills you up, It’s important. Well, and isn’t
Cathy: that joy? Isn’t that fun? Isn’t that relaxation? Like, don’t, you know, I feel like we’ve talked about this before. Like, um, I don’t know if, which book I put it in. I think I put it in Zen Parenting.
Cathy: I [00:38:00] talked about the idea of a guilty pleasure. Like, what is that? Like, why do you have to feel guilty? If you’d like to watch The Bachelor, watch The Bachelor. If you want to read a book that you’ve read five times, read it. Like, Why do you have to feel bad about it? And I know it’s because other people come after you and they’re like, that’s stupid.
Cathy: Or why would you do that? Or what a waste of time. That’s their crap.
Todd: Yeah.
Cathy: Like you, you do you man.
Todd: So my version is Eisenhower matrix. Sweetie’s version is a mood board or a vision board. How often you do one of these and why do you do them?
Cathy: Oh, I do a couple a year. I don’t do a ton of them. Um, I did one, I don’t know, two months ago because, you know, the book was coming, Restoring Our Girls was coming out, and I kind of wanted to get a vibe for not only how I wanted to edit it and put it together, maybe it was more like three months ago, but also like how I wanted to promote it, what I cared about most, what I didn’t care about, you know.
Cathy: The feel I wanted to have. And because I don’t do them for like, here’s a specific goal. I do them for a vibe, like this is how I want to feel. [00:39:00] And I want to be low key. And I also want to take some risks.
Todd: So can you quickly, uh, cause. I’ve seen you do that our entire life together, and it seems like you scan the internet for pictures, or words, or colors, and you just print them, and then you cut them out, and then you paste them.
Cathy: Yeah, I still do old school, uh, you know, where a lot of people use Pinterest and stuff. I still do it on a poster board, because I’m just that way. Um, but what I do is throughout, uh, Time I, um, screenshot things on my phone and then I screenshot things on my computer and I keep them in a file and then I put them all together.
Cathy: So I don’t do it in one day. It’s over the course of months and you know, and I just keep things like a quote that I really like or something the girl sent me or a picture I really like, or like a, Ooh, this is exactly what I want. I want it to look this way. I want it to feel this way. And, um, and I got a bunch of.
Cathy: I actually don’t have a vision board in this room, but my office, I have a bunch in our bedroom. [00:40:00] And then they’re really hard to get rid of. It seems so And do you burn it or do you just toss it in the trash? The last one I just tossed in the trash because it was so old. Like I was like, this is okay. This is okay.
Cathy: This has been worked through. But they are very special. Like I have one in my meditation area that I’ve had for 12 years. Because it’s still there. So relevant.
Todd: Yeah. So we have two more. Uh, next one,
Cathy: playlists. So I, I just, there’s two parts to this. Number one, make playlists for yourself. If you like music, if music is important to you, just so you have, like, if you get in the car, you don’t have to just look for songs.
Cathy: You can actually play a list that you really like. It’s a fun thing to do. Um, and have different ones, you know, like I have 90s dance. I have 80s from high school. I have songs from my girls. I have, uh, Todd and I have a pod or a playlist. I made him one of all of ours. you know, remind me of him, and then I have, you know, so it’s like whatever mood I’m in, sometimes I just Do a shuffle of all songs, but, and then also [00:41:00] ask your kids to make you a playlist of their favorite songs.
Cathy: So you get to know the artists they like. That’s really fun because then in the car or when you’re together, you can listen to that playlist and you can ask them questions like, who is this? What is this? Like I, the only reason I’ve kept up with music and I would say it’s one fourth of what I used to keep up with, you know, like I’m, I’m not, I’m not, if I look through like the top 10 songs right now, I’ll probably know four of them.
Cathy: Um, but it’s because of my girls and because they talk to me about the artists that they love or songs or, and they make lists. So it’s just a fun way to stay connected.
Todd: Uh, last but not least, ask for favorites.
Cathy: So this is something that is, um, obvious and people probably do it all the time, but maybe formalize it a little more.
Cathy: Send out an email or a text to a bunch of, you know, maybe some of your group chats and say, okay, everybody send me one book, one movie or a few movies and, um, a few podcasts that you love and then create your own list. So then when you’re like, I need a new podcast, you have somewhere to go. [00:42:00] And you’re like, I’ve already asked a bunch of people, or I need a new book.
Cathy: And my daughter, JC has a, App called Q, and it’s spelled, um, Q U E U E, and she will ask people of their, what movies that she should watch, and she keeps them all in this app, and so whenever we’re looking for a movie to watch, we just look through her Q app. And last night, um, we decided to watch a movie, or I bailed out pretty early, but you guys chose Goodfellas because she hadn’t seen Goodfellas.
Cathy: He
Todd: was a good fella.
Cathy: He was a good fella. Did she, she liked it, right?
Todd: Yeah, but uh, it took both of our energy to stay up because two and a half hours and we started it kind of later than we And I think the end of that movie is just rough. It’s rough and it’s just Sad. My hot take on good Did we do a pop culturing on Goodfellas?
Todd: Yeah, we did. I feel like we did. Um, it’s really not that, I mean, I know it’s like not a fun ending because, you know, he gets into drugs and then he joins the Witness Protection Program, but it really fizzles out from a movie making standpoint. Oh you think so? Yeah, like, I don’t think it’s that [00:43:00] interesting, like the first two hours are amazing.
Cathy: Well, can I give some feedback about that? From what I understand about Martin Scorsese’s movies is that’s his whole intention, is he will highlight. The whole, same thing happened in Casino, same thing happened in The Irishman, um, same thing happens in The Departed. Like, he highlights this way of life that people think is amazing, and he demonstrates all the amazingness, the connection, the money, the women, the prestige, the power, and then he shows you at the end how it means nothing.
Cathy: So I think that’s his intention. Yeah. And it’s one thing to say it fizzles out, meaning all the characters lose everything, because they do, but, you know, to fizzle out in a, in a filmmaking way is different. So
Todd: you’re bored. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. I feel like it’s just, I feel that this is a kind of a weird comparison, but Old School is such a funny movie for the first half.
Cathy: And then the other half
Todd: is just dumb. And my friends used to be like, no, no, the whole movie’s good. And I just, I don’t see it. And I feel [00:44:00] the same way about The Last Half Hour of Goodfellas.
Cathy: That was another movie I watched while I was sick.
Todd: I think it might be easier to think about movies you didn’t see when you were sick.
Todd: Um, anything else to kind of close this, this loop on this, these 10 suggestions?
Cathy: But I will ask you, what is a practice? And again, don’t give me a resolution about a goal. What is something, a practice that sounds fun to you this year? Like, doesn’t have to be one of these, but something you’re like, I’m going to do this because this is, I enjoyed it and I want to make it more, you know, regular.
Cathy: Anything? A new practice?
Todd: Uh, well, I’ve been thinking about, um, doing an accountability partner thing with some, uh, guy friends of mine to help me be a little more disciplined with my meditation practice. Okay. So, it would be a resolution, I guess, and I’m with you. I hate resolutions. I know, and I’m,
Cathy: I’m going to question you because you constantly try and go back to that, but that feels like a should to me, because you’ve told me it doesn’t do much
Todd: for you.
Todd: Well, I think there are times when it doesn’t. [00:45:00] Um, but I think what, uh, there’s no wrong way to meditate. I, at least that’s what Sam Harris said to me one time. And the only way to meditate the wrong way is to not do it. But what I realized that when I do do it, I don’t get to the Zen like place, but I get these ideas that That show up.
Todd: It’s kind of like the morning pages. These ideas show up when I have the discipline to sit down and not do, and instead to just breathe. Um, and I get something out of it, even through the lens of productivity, like, Oh, I forgot all about, like, we should do this for the conference, or we should do that for men living, or we should do this for the podcast.
Todd: And I’m so busy. I don’t give myself a moment to like, Empty the cup.
Cathy: I hear that. So, I agree with that because I do think you’re constantly moving from thing to thing to thing. And maybe just shift in your mind like this year instead of I’m gonna be because even though we’re disciplined It’s so [00:46:00] like the whole thing that we’re talking about here is like a practice that’s fun.
Cathy: But hear me out What if you figure out different ways of meditating? And I don’t mean like read books. I mean, like I’m going to go for a walk and have a meditative walk and I am going to sit with someone while they’re talking to me and be meditative and just take it in. Like why don’t, and again, you may be like, Nope, I’m going to do the discipline approach.
Cathy: Like you like things different than I do. But what if it’s like, I’m going to get creative with meditation?
Todd: Um, I would, I would be open to that. I just know, like. This may be a stupid thing, but I’ll say it anyways. I had accountability partners to do a hundred pushups a day, six days a week for a month. I know that if I didn’t have that accountability.
Todd: I never would’ve done it, and I did feel different in a good way. I felt stronger, my upper body felt stronger. It was just something about it brought me joy and confidence and all these other things.
Cathy: Well keep doing the [00:47:00] accountability partner.
Todd: Right.
Cathy: But maybe in your The accountability is I get creative with meditation.
Cathy: Today I sat for 10 minutes. Yeah. But I went for a walk today and I did not take my phone. Yeah, right. I walked on my own. Right. Today I went to the club, I rode the bike, and I listened to the sounds around me. Right. You know, like, it just keeps it from being, even though, as I’m saying it, I know you like Like
Todd: black and white.
Cathy: Yeah.
Todd: Yeah. I just I’m gonna sit for five minutes a day six days a week And but no, there’s also value to think to rethinking reframing what meditation means I I I have the belief that I don’t play basketball much anymore But when I was playing basketball with my buddies, I wasn’t worried about my workday.
Todd: I wasn’t worried about anything I was just worried about putting the ball in the hole.
Yeah
Todd: and defending I was in flow So I feel like that is You A form of meditation. And some people are like, you’re not meditating, you’re playing basketball. Like, sorry, I actually think I kind of am. For sure you are.
Cathy: And you know, like I was [00:48:00] saying to you, because what you were saying about ideas coming, my ideas tend to come similarly if I’m sitting quietly, but also in the shower where I’m like there, and you know, we’ve talked about this before, being in a hot shower, calm, quiet, You know, warm water on your head, things just flow, right?
Cathy: Yeah. And you, I think I just said this to you like a month ago. I’m like, all my ideas come in the shower and you’re like, no, I listened to something, I’m in dark. Yeah. I usually listen to my podcast. So what if you didn’t? Right. Like you may have and maybe just for a day only because I think you like also the challenge of trying something new.
Cathy: Yeah. And so I don’t wanna give you shoulds for sure. Um, but you know, the, the last thing about this is that, you know. You can try something and if it’s not working, then change it. Like, we’re so rigid in our thinking that we’re like, Oh, I have to keep doing this. Oh, I promised myself. And it’s like, you don’t have to dump it and shame yourself, but evolve it.
Cathy: I don’t like, you [00:49:00] know, I started doing morning pages because Kathy suggested it and it’s become a pain. So then don’t do that. Be like, I kind of liked the dumping of my ideas, but I’m going to do that midday. Or I’m going to, so I think the thing is, is this is how we continue with things. If it becomes something we have to do, as we know, because you know, If you belong to a club or yoga studio, Todd and I see this every year, you know, we are going to our yoga classes and they’re packed, you know, in early January and then by February 1st, they’re not anymore.
Cathy: People are like, done! Um, and that, and I’m not ridiculing, it’s just maybe they didn’t really want yoga. Sure. You know, they were told they should do yoga. Um. So it’s just, you know, finding things at work.
Todd: Are you ready for our restoring our girls moment? Yes, let’s do it. I’m just gonna flip through these pages and you say when, and then I’ll try, I’ll find a star, uh, part that I either underlined or start.
Todd: Okay,
go ahead.
Todd: So I’m flipping, flipping.
Cathy: And Win! [00:50:00]
Todd: Oh, this is a good one.
Okay, good.
Todd: Um, so this is, uh, the subcategories initiate, I’m going to scroll a few pages back just to give you some context of which, okay, so this is lead. Lead is what? Uh.
Cathy: How funny. This is what I want to talk about at the conference.
Cathy: Oh,
Todd: really?
Cathy: Yeah, leading.
Todd: Okay, so lead is the
Cathy: lead
Todd: category.
Cathy: Lead is one of the, um. under the big umbrella as a guide for, um, real conversations with your girls, lead is one of the, I think it’s number eight.
Todd: Okay. And the many subcategories, some of them are just to give you emotional release, alternate, alternative solutions.
Todd: Um, but the one I found is under initiate and I starred, um, These things because you tell me what to do, okay? So you talk a little bit about when I talk about being us as leaders, I mean specifically that we’re willing to initiate conversations. So you give [00:51:00] us four questions that we can ask our kids on how to real conversations.
Todd: Okay. Number one, tell me more about dot, dot, dot. How did you handle that? Question mark. Help me understand that last thing you said. I’m curious about how you’re feeling right now. So out of all the different questions or prompts that you can give to your kids, why did these four Uh, rise to the top.
Cathy: Because they’re non judgmental, you’re not giving your opinion on it, you’re trying to continue engagement, meaning asking more questions and allowing them to keep talking, and you’re demonstrating interest. So, like, the one that, um, I love so So, um, I’m not saying tell me more about that because that like I’ll, I’ll get excited.
Cathy: I’ll be like, Ooh, stop there. Tell me more about that because then, you know, then my girls know that I’m actively listening and I’m not saying, let me tell you about what I think. I’m, I’m engaging them. And a lot of times I can tell, you know, if it’s something [00:52:00] emotional or sad, I won’t say, I’m curious. Tell me how you’re feeling.
Cathy: I’ll say something like, are you feeling bad about that? Or, or how are you feeling about that?
Todd: So to intro that, those four. things. You say, if they pause, the calmer we are, the safer our daughters will feel to keep talking. If they pause or seem unsure, we can gently prompt them with those questions.
Cathy: Yeah.
Cathy: Like say you’re, you know, cause people will say, my kid will tell me something and then they won’t say anything else. And Instead of being like, why aren’t you telling me more? Or, you know, getting needy, we can say something like, you know, that last thing you just said, can you tell me more about that? Or who is that person?
Cathy: What is their name again? Like, be creative. Like, I kind of feel like we have all these conversation skills that we’ve learned with our peers or with work, and we don’t consider using them. When we’re talking to our kids, it’s like we feel like we’re supposed to have a completely different type of conversation, where it’s supposed to be effortless and fluid and constantly engaging.
Cathy: And if it’s not like that, then we’re failing. And it’s like, [00:53:00] no, our kids are also human beings, and we need to actively, Be curious, non judgmental, and you know, be creative in how we ask them things.
Todd: Well, and right below that, you say we can respond to statements with these five bullet points. Once again, I love this because you’re telling me what to say.
Okay.
Todd: having me, you know, figure it out, figure it out. We can respond with statements like that makes sense, or I’m glad you can talk about this or good for you, or I’m sorry that happened. Or if you need me, let me know.
Cathy: Yeah. Again, no judgment.
Todd: Yeah.
Cathy: Like, we’re not like, how did that happen? Or why did you let that happen?
Cathy: It’s like, you know, um, you know, one of my daughters was upset about one of her tests or something. And instead of being like, well, did you study enough? Or what did everybody else get? I’m just like, I’m sorry that happened. I’m sorry. Cause I, you know, I’m sorry that that was so hard. And then if that’s your response, they’re much [00:54:00] more willing to say something like, well, Well, there’s a bell curve.
Cathy: Like, hopefully it won’t show up that way. Or they’ll say, you know what? I didn’t study enough. And because they can tell you’re not being nonjudgmental, they’re going to be protective and defensive. If your questions are constantly about how hard they’re working, or if they’re not working hard enough, or if you’re checking power school all the time, their responses are going to be defensive.
Cathy: They’re not going to tell you things like, I kind of feel like. And I don’t mean this is simple. I don’t mean that, but we know this.
Todd: We overthink it.
Cathy: We do. And we become, again, one of the things in the book, um, you know, the, the real things our girls wish we knew. My, you know, one of my favorites and the, one of the things I get a lot of email about or texts about, Is, um, not every conversation has to be a lesson.
Cathy: Can we just talk? Right. Can I just tell you I had a rough time with this test? Without you then saying, should I get you a tutor? Like maybe that’ll come up later, [00:55:00] but can you just be someone who listens?
Todd: So you close this section, uh, it’s just a few sentences. To decrease their discomfort, we need to improve our ability to manage our own discomfort.
Todd: And do our best to stay engaged even when the conversation becomes unexpected. Again, messiness and mistakes are normal and sometimes being the leader of a conversation means pushing and restarting later. Maybe five minutes later or even waiting until the next day.
Cathy: Yeah, sometimes a conversation goes so bad that you just got to leave it alone.
Cathy: Don’t try and be like, wait a second, you know, just leave it alone and maybe give it 24 hours and come back to it and say, you know what, I’m I don’t like the way our conversation ended or I don’t like the way I reacted or could we try that again? You know, vulnerability.
Todd: Okay. Um, good job, sweetie. How does it feel reading, me reading your words back to you and comment on it?
Todd: I,
Cathy: I appreciate it, Todd. I, I, I appreciate you, um, continuing to, Engage with my book on this show. Oh, it’s
Todd: a no brainer. It’s it’s a road [00:56:00] map It’s a road map
Cathy: for solid conversations with your daughters and thank you to those who bought it as gifts for people I saw Uh, we got some emails and people sent me texts of people opening that as a the book as a present And so I don’t know if you’ve read it yet But if you have read it and you liked it and you feel like you can give it a five star review Um, go ahead and on amazon and do that
Todd: book reads.
Todd: What’s the other one? Goodreads goodreads
Cathy: Yeah, Goodreads, not everybody gives five stars. There’s more of like a, um, and I say that because I understand. It’s more critical. It is, because you’re talking about the reading experience, but Amazon is one of those places. It’s so, you guys, I’m just gonna ask, it’s so dumb.
Cathy: This game we have to play as writers where we have to like, Not only do you need to buy it, but go back and tell people how much you like it. And it’s not because I necessarily personally need it. It’s the way the book stays relevant. It’s a game we’re playing. Because all these people are publishing books and everything gets pushed back.
Cathy: And if someone puts a, um, review, a five star review, um, I, if you didn’t like it, I say, just put it down, leave it alone. [00:57:00] Um, but you know, if you can give a good review. It really helps people find it and it keeps it relevant. And it’s just one of those things us writers need to do. So I appreciate that time.
Cathy: And, uh, thanks for listening. And you guys, happy new year. If you’re listening to this on, on Tuesday, tomorrow is 2025.
Todd: I mean, OMG. Who would have thunk it? Uh, thanks to Jeremy Kraft, Bald Headed Beauty, uh, painting and remodeling throughout the Chicagoland area. His company is avidco. net and his phone number is 630 956 1800.
Todd: Look him up. Keep trucking.
