Helping Our Kids Feel Less Alone: Insights from Zen Parenting Radio

In this episode of Zen Parenting Radio, Todd and Cathy Adams delve into the profound theme of helping our children feel less isolated in an increasingly complex world. This discussion revolves around Cathy’s upcoming book and offers valuable insights on parental influence, connection techniques, and understanding our children’s needs.

Understanding Connection

The episode opens with Cathy and Todd celebrating the upcoming release date of Cathy’s book, now set for December 10th. They touch on the importance of addressing the struggles of girls, as highlighted by current statistics from the CDC showing a rise in persistent sadness among teenage girls.

The Importance of Knowing Our Children

Cathy stresses that understanding and acknowledging the challenges faced by both boys and girls is crucial. She argues against a narrow focus on data that might suggest one group’s needs are greater than the other’s.

When You Think of Me, I Feel Less Alone

A recurring theme, as Cathy explains, is the notion that children feel comforted simply by knowing their parents think of them, even when they’re not physically present. This segment explores how parents can use small gestures and expressions to cultivate a supportive environment, helping children feel valued and understood.

Practical Parenting Strategies

Todd and Cathy discuss practical ways of staying connected with children:

• Checking In: Use non-intrusive ways to let your kids know you care, like texting them to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
• Respecting Space: Understand when your child needs space and when to engage, which might mean respecting their reading time in the morning or offering simple gestures like washing their sheets.
• Creativity and Humility: Approach interactions with creativity and humility. Realize that traditional conversation techniques might not always apply and be open to trying new methods of communication.

The Power of Non-Judgmental Support

The hosts emphasize the importance of moving away from transactional relationships with children, where love and support are conditional upon their behavior. Instead, they suggest showing unwavering support, ensuring that children do not fear losing parental love.

Parental Reflection and Growth

As the episode wraps up, Todd and Cathy reflect on the importance of continual growth as parents. They remind listeners that changing how we communicate can significantly affect our children’s receptiveness.

Upcoming Conference Announcement

Finally, the Adams mention their farewell conference in January, encouraging those seeking community and more parenting wisdom to join them for a unique experience. This conference promises to be more interactive, aiming to foster deep discussions and connections among attendees.

Conclusion

The episode of Zen Parenting Radio urges parents to reassess their approaches to connectivity with their children. By focusing on empathetic communication, understanding, and unwavering support, parents can help their children navigate life’s challenges with resilience and feel less alone in the process.

For more insights and community support, consider attending their upcoming event or pre-ordering Cathy’s book for a comprehensive guide on these practices.

[00:00:00]

Todd: I was a little late on that. Uh, welcome to Zen Parenting Radio. This is podcast number 790. Why listen to Zen Parenting Radio? Because you’ll feel outstanding and always remember our motto, which is that the best predictor of a child’s well being is a parent’s self understanding. On today’s show, I’m summing, uh, to In Cathy’s book that’s not yet out.

Todd: You can pre order it, but you can’t quite get it yet. But. But. The release date was moved. Hot off the press. New update.

Cathy: It’s going to be available December 10th. So it can be a holiday gift. Yeah, there you go. To yourself or to others.

Todd: And um, I’m so glad it was moved up. Who, who releases a book [00:01:00] in January?

Todd: That’s silly. Do it in December. Actually, Zen Parenting

Cathy: was released in

Todd: January. Maybe we should have moved it up to December. Yeah. Christmas gift.

Cathy: Yeah. So holidays. Buy it for

Todd: every parent you know.

Cathy: And, uh, and also, you know, just, um, it’s good.

Todd: So I’m on page 138, I’ve read the end of the book because the end of the book is, uh, some essays from our daughters.

Todd: And then, um, I don’t know what page I’m on page 90, uh, starting at the front. So I haven’t gotten to this part yet, but, um, the section you want to talk about today is when you think of me. I feel less alone.

Cathy: Yes. So, before we launch into that, um, I wanted to say that I wrote something and, and if you subscribe to my sub stack, you may have already read it.

Cathy: Um, I actually, I’m not sure what I’m putting it out, but you might’ve already read it. And it’s about why a book about girls is more important than ever. Because a lot of the, um, questions that I’ve been getting as I’ve been doing kind of, I’m just starting to do podcasts about this [00:02:00] book is people will say, Hey, the focus right now is on young boys and young men.

Cathy: Why is this book necessary right now? And there it, to be very blunt, there is never, ever going to be a time when there isn’t going to be necessary to think about what’s going on with our girls. In the world, it’s always going to be necessary. I think sometimes we believe that it’s like we only have enough bandwidth to look at one thing at a time, or we look at the data around, um, you know, we’re like, Oh wait, boys are graduating as much from high school as girls are, and girls are going to college more.

Cathy: And then girls have higher grades in English and reading. Therefore, boys need help. The truth is all of those things that maybe, you know, again, that’s research. It’s data that doesn’t play out in a way where girls are more, are, aren’t struggling as much or having the same kind of, you know, emotional experiences, [00:03:00] um, where they’re feeling challenged.

Cathy: Like it doesn’t decrease, um, what they’re going through. They’re, they’re having the same issues that, you know, they always have very similar to what, um, young boys are having. And so sometimes we just look at data and we assume because they’re graduating more that everything’s fine. And we, and again, I just want to open up this idea that there will never be a time that we.

Cathy: We won’t be focusing on making sure our girls are feeling seen and heard and valued.

Todd: It just so happens, I underlined this in the first part of your book, page 29, according to the CDC, 2021, nearly three out of five teenage girls experience persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness, a figure double that of boys.

Cathy: Right. So that’s the thing is we kind of cherry pick things to say, Hey, we need to focus on this or boys aren’t going to school as much and therefore they’re feeling left out. And I get it. I’m [00:04:00] not saying don’t focus on the needs of boys and men.

Todd: I’m

Cathy: saying don’t disregard and say, well, we’re fine over here, but not over here.

Cathy: So that I just wanted to say that because I wrote, I wrote about that in my sub stack. Why I think this book is more important than ever.

Todd: Than ever. That’s

Cathy: all I’ll say. Um, so what, uh, the section we’re on, we actually, a month ago, we spent, um, a little time focusing on real things that, uh, daughters or your daughters are saying to me, the things that they have asked me to share with you as parents.

Cathy: And last time we focused on my book, Restoring Our Girls, we focused on this value that’s called Know Me, Know Me. Yep. And The, the issue that we focused most on was let me tell you about me rather than you telling me about me. This week, we are going to talk about the next value, which is connect with me.

Cathy: And then go ahead, Todd. It is,

Todd: uh, when you think of me. I feel less alone. And [00:05:00] real quick, before you answer this, and our audience will probably get sick of hearing me say this, but Cathy’s last book, Zen Parenting, was kind of like a greatest hits of our previous 650 podcasts. And it’s so valuable and so helpful.

Todd: Whereas I feel like this one, even though I’m not all the way through it yet, is Cathy and I are human beings, and there’s times when we parent very well, and there’s times when we have parenting challenges. When Cathy is in her gold, or in her essence, or when she’s Being a really good mom, which is more often than not, you do things that you don’t, you don’t have to, like, remember to do.

Todd: You just do it. And this book, for me, is kind of a, I’m like, Cathy, you don’t understand that the, the energy and how, and noticing our daughters. It’s really hard to do. It’s really hard to connect with daughters in our society, with the distractions, [00:06:00] and the phones, and the news, and all these awful things.

Todd: To maintain honest, authentic connection with our daughters, it’s not easy, or our sons for that matter. What this book is, is a roadmap for staying connected, both like energetically and quite literally within the confines of a conversation. And as somebody who likes somebody telling me what to do, and then I decide whether or not I’m going to do that, this book is that.

Todd: Yeah. I just wanted to say that.

Cathy: And the hope is that you’ll see a lot of different options. And it is a roadmap, but there’s many different paths on the roadmap. Like, you know, the whole first part of the book is how to have, you know, important conversations with your kids, like the, a guide. To having important conversations.

Cathy: And then the next part is like, here’s the things to focus on within those conversations, you know, like, so you, you’ve kind of figured out how to talk

Todd: to you. You have like the generic nap, nap, and then the specific map. And even within this [00:07:00] thing that we’re going to talk about today, when you think of me, I feel less alone.

Todd: We’re probably going to give you one or two ideas that you can do. Sure. If you’re like, I don’t know, how do I, how do I connect with my kids? Well, we’re going to give you some ideas.

Cathy: Yeah. And I wanted to talk about this one because it’s conceptually, I think. Parents struggle with it more. I feel like I have to explain this because it seems somewhat paradoxical.

Cathy: So, cause some of the other ones are a little more obvious, but then I’m like pointing out, this is what they’re saying. Well, this is one where what I know is that when your girls are, are, you know, let’s talk about a three year old. Kid, um, what do they do when they’re two or three? They kind of, they push away from you.

Cathy: They are individuating. They want space. They want to do things themselves. Now, what we know though, when they’re two or three is when they’re doing that pushing, it doesn’t mean they want you gone. They just want space. Okay. So I think sometimes as our girls grow up, parents misunderstand this or become personally offended by their [00:08:00] girls and, and become kind of in an all or nothing mentality.

Cathy: Like you’re either I’m your mom and you’re either treating me kind or I’m not going to treat you kind or, you know, you either do as I say, or I’m not going to bother talking to you. We kind of become immature, not kind of, we become immature. Instead of understanding exactly what’s going on with our girls.

Cathy: So there is no absolute age where they start to, to differentiate. Um, it usually happens around 12, 13, 14, but it can like continue on or maybe happen later. So there’s no exact age, but if you’ve been pushed away or you feel like peers are becoming more important or they’re less, they’re checking in with you less or whatever it may be, you’re experiencing that.

Cathy: And. I think sometimes we view this as like, it is, it can be heartbreaking. Um, it can be hard. It’s also, if we can get a wider lens on, this is [00:09:00] how it’s supposed to be rather than why is this happening? What can I do to change it?

Todd: This is normal.

Cathy: This is normal. And there is a freedom, ironically, as a parent in knowing that your child is now trying to find things on their own.

Cathy: They’re trying to do their own reading. They’re trying to, you know, talk with their peers about things. They’re, they’re maybe connecting with a coach or a piano teacher or, uh, you know, uh, somebody in their life that they’re learning.

Cathy: I think the only time they feel like they need to push us away even harder is when we don’t get this.

Todd: Or we want something from them, which could be connection. And my one quick thing is I remember taking JC to lacrosse when she was like 14 and I was all ready to connect with my daughter cause I felt disconnected and I had a half hour drive.

Todd: I’m like, this is our opportunity. And I started asking open ended questions. She was completely shut down. I felt, uh, hurt because [00:10:00] I was ready to connect and she wasn’t. And I, what I didn’t do is tune in. Is now a really good time to connect. So anyways, this is one of

Cathy: the tuning in is, it is a good time.

Cathy: You felt like you wanted to connect, but you’re forgetting. There’s another human being involved.

Todd: So

Cathy: Todd’s like, okay, I feel relaxed. I don’t feel overwhelmed by work. I’m in the car. So I want to connect. And he forgets there’s another person that may not. That may be thinking about the lacrosse game that may be worried about a friendship that may be concerned about a test coming up.

Cathy: Maybe

Todd: she had a crappy day at school.

Cathy: They’re just not in the same place. Now this is where this one becomes important because it’s what I wrote is, um, when I know you’re thinking of me, I feel less alone. So why this can feel paradoxical is there is a sense of you have to allow them to do these things, to have experiences with other adults and to be with their friends and to make decisions for themselves.

Cathy: But it’s also helpful if during that time, they know you’re there. [00:11:00] Okay. And there’s many different, you know, things about this. Like some parents talk about how at home, I remember Glennon saying that as your kids get older, you become more like a houseplant and instead of like circling around them and doing everything for them, you’re just there.

Cathy: Okay. So there’s the physical manifestation of like, be available. In case they just want to see you, they want to ask you a question, they want to give you a hug in the morning, whatever it may be. Then there’s also the doing something creative to make sure they know it. And what I mean by that is find other ways to check in, you know, Send them texts and say, I was thinking about you today or, um, I think you told me last week that you had a big event today and I just wanted to know, um, if you’re excited and, or I was thinking about it too, or if they tell you about something they did with their friends and you can say, Oh my gosh, send me a picture.

Cathy: I totally want to see it. Or they, um, You know, this is [00:12:00] connected to other things we’ve said, but like you notice that they’re listening to new music or watching a new show and you get interested in it and you pay attention.

Todd: Can we use a real life example? Sure. So we have a 17 year old daughter at home.

Todd: She is in the middle of her junior year. She’s busy, busy, busy as I’ve ever seen her. Uh, she’s doing speech and doing a bunch of extracurricular stuff. It’s also an important year of high school because you have to get blah, blah, blah. Otherwise you won’t be able to go to blah, blah, blah. All those stupid stories that we tell ourselves.

Todd: Maybe not stupid, but just out of balance. So anyways, she, last night she was overwhelmed. Like she’s worried about math and she had a busy weekend. And, uh, I wanted to be able to engage with her in a way where she felt the love. And I was asking, she’s like, dad, I don’t really feel like talking right now.

Cathy: Don’t ask me. So I was asking her. Yeah.

Todd: So she just didn’t want to talk, which is fine. Um, do you remember what you said to her when we walked into a room last night? No. Cause we wanted to make sure I’ll [00:13:00] speak for, for us, even though I’m speaking out of my own mouth here. We wanted to make sure she knew that we had her back.

Todd: So what you said was, cause I like, I’m sitting there like, empty mind, like nothing. Like, I don’t know how to connect with this kid. I know I love her. I can tell her I love her before I go to bed. But other than that, you said, what if I washed your sheets? And she kind of lit up a little bit.

Cathy: Well, what she said, I said, tell me, you know, do you feel like you have a list?

Cathy: Cause I didn’t want her to have to list off everything. I said, is there anything you didn’t get to today? Oh

Todd: yeah, that’s right.

Cathy: And she said, Oh, I didn’t wash my sheets. And I said, what if I do that tomorrow? Cause I’m going to be home. And she was like, Okay.

Yeah.

Cathy: And

Todd: I, and as much as that’s about the sheets, it’s also not about the sheets.

Todd: No, it’s not about the sheets. It’s that you know that you’re, she knows that you’re going to do something that has her back today while she’s at school doing her thing. So I just think that like, if it was just me in that room, I’d be like, love you, babe. And then [00:14:00] that’s it.

Cathy: Well, and before that I had gone up to her room without you, cause I hadn’t seen her.

Cathy: She had spent the night at a friend’s house and you know, it was a little chaotic, but Last week. Um, and she, I went up there and I just kind of, I laid down on the floor on my stomach.

I

Cathy: don’t know. I just was like, I don’t want to be like hovering over her. So I just laid down on my stomach and put my hands on, you know what I mean?

Cathy: I did one of these like laid down on the floor.

Todd: Well, and just real quick difference between you and me. I would have walked in her room, sat in the doorway, saying, you need anything? She would have said no, and I’d be like, all right, love you. Like, that’s it. Instead, you like, literally, not did you get down to her level, you were lower than her.

Todd: And I think that that opens her up a little bit.

Cathy: Well, I don’t, I think the goal is physically Through words, through actions. You don’t want them to feel like they owe you something. I think we are so conditioned in relationships to be [00:15:00] like, I’m going to give this and you’re going to give that. And you know, I’m going to say this and you better say this back.

Cathy: And again, sometimes we haven’t learned how to be in a healthy relationship in marriage or in friendship or whatever. So we’re kind of doing the same thing with our kids is we haven’t. Developed those skills yet, but we totally can. And the, the goal is like my, what is my goal when I’m going in that room?

Cathy: I knew she felt overwhelmed. So I want to go in and see if she needs anything. And also to let her know that I’m available again, this one, when I think when, uh, when you think of me, I feel less alone and to also not. Give her something else she needs to worry about, which is me. Yeah. I’m not trying to add to her list of, Oh, now I got to talk to my mom.

Cathy: And then now she’s going to make me do this. Like we think we can be very wrote about the way I’m going to help you is I’m going to talk to you and I’m going to make you tell me everything. And I’m going to get mad if you don’t tell me everything. And then I’m going to try and look through your stuff or try and figure it.

Cathy: And we become part of the problem.

Todd: [00:16:00] Versus yet another thing on their list of things that they got to concern themselves over.

Cathy: Correct. And so I just kind of laid down on my stomach and said, um, I said, so a lot of things I said there, she got a lot of things and she’s like, yes, and I have this and this, and I’m like, yeah.

Cathy: And then I said, You have, um, I said, I see nail polish on your floor. Do you want me to get that up? Like, that’s what I was doing. You know, I’m like, I’m not, I’m not contributing. I’m not coming there to resolve anything in myself.

Todd: Well, that’s the thing. I’m just

Cathy: showing up.

Todd: The one, I think that’s an important piece because I, sometimes I’m like, I don’t, I feel disconnected from you, Skylar.

Todd: So. I need to feel better about myself. And the only way for me to do that is to feel useful to you.

Cathy: Yeah.

Todd: And, and our kids pick up on that energy. Yeah, for sure.

Cathy: For sure. Because then they feel like they have to give us something to make us feel good. Again, do you see how we become an obstacle rather than a support system?

Cathy: And we don’t want to [00:17:00] admit that. Cause we’re like, but I, but I said, I’d do anything. Or I said, I’d go get them dinner, or I. Offer to take them to a movie. But again, that’s only one sided. That’s what you want to do. That’s not where they are.

Todd: What about this question? And I think it’s an important question, but sometimes not, sometimes not that helpful.

Todd: What does support look like for you? Or how can I support you? Cause half the time when I’m struggling, I don’t have any clue.

Cathy: Well, and that’s, that’s important because that’s the thing is to say, what does support look like for you? It may be something they can’t come up with. Dude, I work with girls who don’t even know what mood they’re in.

Cathy: So. They don’t even know how to express their feelings. So to say, you know, give me a detailed report on what support looks like for you. They may not know. Now the question itself though is valuable because you’re not coming in and saying, I’m going to do this for you and you better like it. It’s, it’s more like, so, so going on with that example that you’re giving, I said, I think she said, finally, she’s like, I’m going to get in the shower.

Cathy: And I said, sounds good. I said, I’m going to come up in a little bit and [00:18:00] I’ll check on you and see what’s going on. She’s like, sounds good. So there was no, like, no, you don’t have to do that. She’s like, she said, sounds good. So I think that’s when you and I went back up. And, um, and I also, because this, for my specific daughter, she needs.

Cathy: Like, I know that hugs help her, even if she doesn’t ask for them. I say, um, you know, I, I’m going to give you a quick hug and then she may just want a quick hug. And sometimes she wants a long hug. That’s very specific to my kid. Like I don’t want to say to parents, that’s what every kid needs because some physical touch isn’t where they’re at with you at that moment.

Cathy: But I did give her a hug and then we went back up there and we were kind of like, okay, you know what else? Okay. I’ll do your sheets tomorrow. I’ll, I’ll, I’ll. And she was kind of like, and she also said, I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to get done. And it was already nine. And, and we were like, so what?

Cathy: Like it’s Sunday. Like there has to be a day where you do less. [00:19:00] And I think if a kid says to us, I didn’t get done everything I needed to get done. And we become hyper and we’re like, well, what, what did you get done? Are you gonna get in trouble? What were the, you know, like we become like the voice in their head versus.

Cathy: That’s okay.

Todd: We want to provide an alternate voice.

Cathy: Correct. Other than

Todd: the inner critic, which resides in, I would say 99. 9 percent of us. Instead of reinforcing that one, like let’s give her a different take.

Cathy: And I know some parents will say, well, my kid. Um, that’s not how they talk to me or they do expect me to do things or, and what I want you to know is that you’re in the process of building a relationship with your kid.

Cathy: And if your kid is treating you poorly, if they are behaviorally being not kind to you, if they are locking the door and saying, I don’t want to talk to you, there is something going on with your communication where they feel like you’re not helpful.

Yeah.

Cathy: Okay. So that’s not to say, okay, shame on you.

Cathy: That’s not a judgment. I’m [00:20:00] saying. Yeah. These same things that we’re talking about apply because you got to start somewhere new.

Todd: That’s, I mean, what I was about to say is the results are the results. Right. If you keep trying to do the same thing. Right. And they continue to respond the same way. By

Cathy: slamming the door or saying, leave me alone.

Todd: It’s not working. Right. We should title this podcast. If it’s not working, do something different. Cause I fall in that pattern. Like, well, I’m just going to try to do the same thing and maybe she’ll be different this time. That’s not gonna like, we have to get creative. This is curiosity and creativity. And, you know, I don’t know if we’re going to get to how you send up our family, our extended family, all your friends, all these texts, but I think it’s one of your super powers because you’re always sending us memes or videos or text messages, um, And it feels really good.

Todd: Right. And, and I don’t do it as much as you do, and that’s fine. And it’s not that you’re better than I am, but it’s one of your gifts. [00:21:00]

Cathy: Yeah. And, and it’s, uh, it’s, you know, both sides, right. I get something out of it too. You know, like I enjoy when I think of People, I like sending them things. And when people text me, I like texting back.

Cathy: I think it feels good. I know that there are times like I’ve definitely gone through times where I’m struggling or I’m overwhelmed and I can’t text back. Like that’s called life. It’s not where I’m anxious about it, but I think having connection with people is the only reason we’re here. Like all this other crap that we’re doing and running around and being busy and trying to prove our worth.

Cathy: And Be overproductive and demonstrate to everyone why we’re better. It’s all just crap. And when you, you know, have enough life experiences to recognize that doesn’t get you anywhere, um, you just realize the only thing that’s important is connecting with people. So what if you understood that at a real micro level in your home?

Cathy: And instead of worrying about it, you know, cause like Todd said, I text a lot of people, you don’t have to worry about everybody. What if you [00:22:00] just focused on the people in your home and even saying, I’m trying new things. You don’t have to pretend you can be like, you know what, you seem really annoyed at me when you come home and I get it.

Cathy: So I want to try new things, you know, like be a little, have some humility.

Todd: Well, I thought it was interesting this morning, you know, Monday mornings are always tough for most of us, I would say. And you and I got home from yoga and Skylar was, you know, reading a book, uh, at the kitchen counter, finishing her breakfast, getting ready for a day of school.

Todd: And I S I started, you know, Barton around the kitchen making lunches. Uh, you, um, were playing your Wordle games and it was quiet for a good, you know, I think we had 15 or 20 minutes with her and 17 out of the 20 minutes were either you and I talking or Just being silent. And there’s a part of me that’s like, no, this is the only window of time I get with this kid, and I don’t know if she’s even gonna be around tonight, so I need to [00:23:00] connect.

Todd: And then you said one question to her and I don’t, I think it was about speech. Mm-Hmm. . And she answered. I said, who do you think we’ll get mvp? Get mvp. And you, and you waited until the, when she was almost done. I say that, you’re like, why am I bringing this up? I’m bringing it up because. If I could decide how it goes, it would be a lively, energetic, loving conversation between my daughter, daughter and I for the 20 minutes before school.

Todd: And what she wants is to read her book. Correct. Because she’s about to go into nine different meetings. Also known as classes that she probably doesn’t really want to go to. So this is reading her vampire book is the way that she’s charging her battery up for the day.

Cathy: And again, that’s another big part of restoring our girls.

Cathy: The part of my book is, you know, a number one, you have to know your kid, right? And You know, I think two of my kids really want to be like external processors and talk, talk, talk, talk, you know, my older two [00:24:00] kids and my youngest kid, she needs things like reading, like she needs quiet and she likes when we’re around, but she wants to be reading.

Cathy: And I think Todd’s point is he doesn’t understand that in his own body where he’s like, if I’m reading, I’ll just be alone. Why would I want to read if other people around other people around, I can have conversations, but that’s not how everybody is. And so. There is a, and again, remember this one that we’re, we’re going over with you is when you think of me, I feel less alone.

Cathy: So what does that look like in many, many different iterations? When you know that I like reading in the morning, I feel less alone. When you send me a text because you know, I’m busy in my room and I can’t come down for dinner, but you text and say, good luck, go get them. I feel less alone when I want to go out with a new group of friends, but you know, you wanted me to do something different.

Cathy: And then you say, well, I trust you go do it and have a good [00:25:00] time. I feel less alone. So there’s many different ways that this looks, you know, when you think of me, not when you think of yourself and your needs, but when you think of me, I feel less alone.

Todd: When I just want to share, um, it is pretty easy to maintain the silence in the kitchen in the mornings when she’s reading a book, I can also do it when she’s on her phone, I don’t like it as much because isn’t that weird?

Todd: Like I have a judgment against how she’s spending her time and I’m, you know, I’m as bad as anybody on my phone. Um, it’s, I just want to like own the fact that it’s a little bit easier to like maintain the silence when she’s reading a book. But if she’s like, whatever on Instagram, getting reinforced, these messages that are Not important in my brain.

Todd: It’s just a little bit harder. Well,

Cathy: and sometimes, you know, she’s been pretty good about that lately. Like they, you know, the girls are kind of figuring out like we all are how much we want to be on social media, especially right now. And, [00:26:00] um, she, I even think in those times when our kids are scrolling, we say something like send me something funny that you’re seeing.

Cathy: Or we say, did you know, when I am on social media, I say, did you see the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or, you know, like the other day she was on and I said, did you check the Grammy nominations? And she goes, Oh, I’ll go there and check right now and read them to you. So there’s like, um, Even when they’re on their phones, as long as you’re not saying things like, you’re always on your phone, or you never talk to me, because again, you’re judging, you’re making them feel bad.

Cathy: You’re not going to create a conversation with those intros. And again, I understand that maybe you need to have a talk with your, with your daughter or your son about being on the phone, but maybe it’s not coming. on strong first thing in the morning when they’re trying to get ready for school. Probably not the best idea.

Cathy: Maybe that’s a, you know, we’ve got 30 minutes in the car before practice and I want to say, um, something about, you know, how are you doing with your phone? And is it feeling overwhelming rather than I [00:27:00] think you’re on your phone too much? It’s how do you feel?

Todd: Ask questions. Ask questions. Instead of make judgments.

Cathy: When you think of me, I feel less alone. And this is the truth in, again, because everything I write about is universal principles. This is human. This is in a relationship. If, if I’m coming at Todd all the time saying, give me something, do more for me, you know, If I’m, instead of thinking to myself, where is Todd?

Cathy: When I think of him, he’s going to feel less alone and more connected to me. Now, let me be clear. This is why it’s paradoxical. And so it’s such an interesting conversation within that. I sometimes have to think of me. And say, I’m not getting what I need. I need to have a conversation. But I can at least think about not doing it at the end of the Lions game.

Cathy: You know, when everything is like all amped up, I can say maybe this is better for at lunch tomorrow. Or, you know, there are Many, many different [00:28:00] ways to connect and relate to people. And you know what, all these things I’m telling you right now, you may try something new and it doesn’t work. Guess what?

Todd: It may not work

Cathy: because you have to, because I don’t know your kid and I don’t know your personality and all I’m asking you is I’m not saying do as I do.

Cathy: I’m saying try something different and think about your kid. Think about your daughter. Is she someone who’s feeling overwhelmed? Is she someone who feels uninspired? The opposite. Is she someone who likes quiet in the morning and you respect that? Is she someone like, another thing about when you think of me, I feel less alone.

Cathy: The, the story that I tell in the book, and I think I’ve told this before, but I’ll tell it again, is, My, my, um, oldest daughter, there was a time that, you know, she was really busy in her junior year and she was always taking walks with friends and hearing about, I think it was COVID time and she was hearing about everybody’s problems and, you know, taking all these long walks at night, which we were [00:29:00] fine with, you know, as long as I knew where she was and I would every once in a while text her and say, how you doing?

Cathy: Um, just thinking about you, um, you know, that’s it. And she said that one of her guy friends that she was with at the time, um, said, I haven’t gotten a text with someone just thinking about me since ever.

Todd: Yeah.

Cathy: Like, and, and he, and I wasn’t asking her for anything. I wasn’t saying anything.

Todd: Instructive.

Todd: Instructive.

Cathy: Yeah. And all he was recognizing, he wasn’t like, you have the greatest mom. It wasn’t that it was like, he was commenting on his own experience, which was no one’s checking to see how I’m doing. Right.

Todd: And as, as annoyed as our kids get when the curfew is 1130 and it’s 1145, you know, some people would think like, Oh, what the kid really wants is not to be bothered by their parents.

Todd: That’s not the case. That’s not the case. The, if the kid can, is not being checked in on and they, you know, I had friends, they’re like, I remember, I won’t say his last [00:30:00] name. His name is Steve. We all had a curfew of like midnight or whatever. We’re however old. And he could stay out till four if he wanted.

Todd: And you know, there’s a part of me that probably liked that. That thinks he liked that, but there’s another part of like WTF, like your parents don’t know where you are, where you are. Um, as we get close to closing this podcast, I just want you to share the part of the section of the book of what Rachel Simmons said.

Todd: Cause I remember laughing at the conference when she said that. And I think there was a big laughter. So what did she say? Yeah.

Cathy: She said, so Rachel Simmons who wrote curse of the good girl and other books about girls. Um, she. She was at our 2020 conference and she said that, you know, she goes, the thing you have to understand is when you are helping your kids in this way or talking to them in a new way or being creative or having humility in the way that you’re, you know, trying to connect or do things for them.

Cathy: She’s like, don’t expect that your kid is going to out of the blue go, wow, mom, you’re just doing this amazing job. Trying [00:31:00] to connect with me. And I’m really seeing the effort you’re putting in. Like that’s, they’re not going to do that.

Todd: It’s

Cathy: not, that’s not where they are. And this is the bottom line of this section of the book is we are someone that our kids should not fear losing.

Cathy: Okay. So we are not in a game of. Transactional. Transactional. If you’re not nice to me, I’m not nice to you, or I’m not going to give you something unless you give me something. We as a parent are not. Someone, they should worry about losing and anybody who’s come from a toxic family or a toxic parent or a narcissistic parent.

Cathy: That is a risk.

Todd: Yeah. The withholding of love.

Cathy: Yeah. The withholding of love that if you give me something, I give you something back. Let’s not do that. Ever. So why this is important, this, you know, this conversation is, it’s how we show [00:32:00] up. And of course we can point out if our kids are being rude or not doing what they’re saying.

Cathy: It doesn’t mean you can’t comment on them. It means what is your approach because what your approach to them is, is what their approach will be back. I now have, um, you know, two adult daughters and the way. That they communicate, um, is very familiar. I will just say that. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like when I see them talking to other people, I’m like, that’s, that feels very familiar.

Cathy: So sometimes the, the dividends is, Recognizing when something maybe you did over a period of time shows up in a healthy way in their relationships and they, they understand themselves and they understand how to communicate. If we don’t try new things and we communicate ineffectively or cruelly or without thinking, then that’s bad.

Cathy: What they take out in the [00:33:00] world. We have to re like the thing about restoring our girls. The thing I love about this book is there is obviously I would want you to think about these things really early when your girls are young. So you don’t have to wait till they’re teenagers to read this book, but you can start having different conversations when they’re 17, you can always try something new and.

Cathy: Uh, hopefully the conversations like this one, um, and hopefully in reading this book, you’ll have some new pathways. You

Todd: ready for my three, uh, options of what we’re going to title this podcast? Okay,

Cathy: let’s hear it.

Todd: It isn’t working, uh, try new things or helping our kids feel less alone. You can, you can sit on that.

Todd: I was going to say something else. I kind

Cathy: of liked the third one. Sit on it, Patsy.

Todd: No, I was going to say something from Wunderlust.

Cathy: Which was?

Todd: Yeah. Um, I want to just, uh, quickly say, uh, please join us for our final farewell conference, January what, sweetie? 24th and

Cathy: 25th. [00:34:00] So if you’re feeling like you want some community right now, um, Come be with us.

Cathy: Um, if you’re feeling like, Oh, I just need some optimistic perspective and I need to be with people who are saying things that make sense. Um, and I’m not just talking about Todd and I, I’m not saying we’re the only ones I’m saying, come, come here. These amazing speakers, you know, Dr. Salomon and Dr. Duffy and, um, Jay and, uh, you know, every, all these people who are coming, the sisters and, you know, someone said something to Todd the other day, they said, you know, a lot of these people, we’ve brought back some people that we’ve had at conferences in the past, but we did that on purpose.

Cathy: We wanted to make this. conference, a much more connective, interactive Q and a, um, not so like luxury, but more like

Todd: interactive,

Cathy: interactive, like bring your situation. Um, and let’s talk it through rather than, Oh, another speaker in 30 minutes. You know, like our intention for our last [00:35:00] one

Todd: was create a little space for it to breathe

Cathy: warmer

Todd: and to say, say,

Cathy: and to have Glenn Phillips from told the wet sprocket

Todd: concert.

Todd: Is it a mini concert? What are we going to call it?

Cathy: Well, it’s like an acoustic concert. It’s him on guitar singing songs like this one. Yeah. Um, and again, it’s just another opportunity. I mean, if, if anyone is feeling disconnected or alone or scared right now, just be with people, everybody. Let’s, let’s have each other and, um, let’s just be with people.

Cathy: So come be with us and if you have any issue, um, with, um, what’s it called? Like, not cost, but tickets, tickets. But that’s the word I’m looking for. Like scholarship, like, you know, email us and actually right now on the, um, Zen con 25 Zen con 2025. com. You can also get my book as part of it as part of your conference tickets.

Cathy: So make

Todd: it easier. I know it’s so

Cathy: easy. Okay.

Todd: Keep trucking everybody. And thanks to [00:36:00] Jeremy craft. He’s a bald head of beauty, painting and remodeling throughout the Chicago area. Yeah. 630 956 1800, avidco. net, avidco. net, keep trucking, see you next Tuesday.

Round two. Change a little bit. And change a little bit. Pretty pleasant.