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Todd and Cathy discuss an article in Harpers Bazaar titled “Women aren’t nags, we’re just fed up” about emotional labor and the sensitivity surrounding this topic. They discuss how to have a productive conversation about what it really takes to manage a house, and why it’s not always true that men are “problem solvers” and women are “sensitive”. They discuss how they are challenged with this issue, how it’s easy to go on autopilot, and why this is an ongoing discussion and not a one-time conversation. They explain how this relates to gender issues overall and what we are all currently modeling for both our daughters and sons. If you find this discussion interesting, join Cathy+Todd for a one-time virtual class about civility and compassion (in the home and for the holidays), and why the way we talk to our loved ones extends into the world. Click here to register.
Time Stamps
:24- Discussion of the article- Harpers Bazaar titled “Women aren’t nags, we’re just fed up”
3:43 Discussion of the article Why do women get all attractive if they don’t want to be harassed?
11:29 The Break Up Scene & discussion
35:17 Canvas People– Enter “zen” for your free 11″ X 14″ Canvas
46:22 The Break Up Scene II & discussion
Resources/Videos used on today’s show
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Comments 2
I have only been listening to your podcast for a short time, and I’ll admit that I rarely listen all the way through an episode. I am not the type of person to take the time to leave feedback on podcasts such as this, but this episode and the stories you relayed made me think you’re missing some of the reasons men act the way they do. I understand that a lot of wives (mine included) want their husband to be an equal partner in the responsibilities of running the house and the family’s obligations. What I see more times than not is that young husbands go from “living in their mother’s house” to “living in their wife’s house”. In many households, it is the wife who decides where things go in the kitchen, how the kitchen is decorated, what the plates and the cutlery look like. The wife decides how the laundry room is decorated and organized, how the bathrooms are decorated and organized, how their master bedroom is decorated and organized, etc.
You want to know why the man goes out to clean the garage? It’s because that’s usually the only space where he gets to make the decisions and feels that emotional ownership!
For a long time, I didn’t feel any emotional ownership in parts of my own home because my wife made all the decisions and informed me where the spatulas were kept and if I put something in the wrong drawer, I got in trouble. We husbands learn (just the same way as our mothers taught us) who is in charge, who “owns” any particular space in the house and what the punishment is when we get something wrong – not to mention that we’re reminded every time there’s a change in decoration how we don’t have good taste and that the things we pick out are “all wrong”. My wife initally chose how the kitchen was decorated, and it was in a country theme I would have never chosen if I lived to be 100. Sometimes the wife in a relationship asserts her ownership over parts of the house, and the husband sees this and acts accordingly: this is your kitchen, and if you need something cleaned, I know better than to just do it because there’s a decent chance how I do it won’t measure up to your expectations, and I’d rather be in trouble for doing nothing than for doing it all wrong.
Later in our marriage when I took over the bulk of the cooking, it was with the agreement that I got to pick the decor of the room, we got to buy some new dishes and cookware and that I got to make a lot of the decisions. I wanted to feel that emotional ownership in that space. And the room had to stop being referred to as “her kitchen” – as in “look at the mess you left in my kitchen.”
Demographic info: My wife and I are both 45, been married 23 years, first marriage for both of us, and we have 2 kids.
Author
Matt- I totally agree with you. It’s a two way street and rarely is one party 100% wrong or right. This seems to be true in your case. The big challenge is… are you able to communicate your needs in the most loving and compassionate way possible? You don’t have any control if your partner does, but you do have control if you do. it takes practice and constant tweaking. i still struggle with it. thanks for writing and for listening. Todd